Essay 01 | English Teaching Aids in Uzbekistan

Strengths:

1.The essay has a clear structure- it consists of an introduction, three main body paragraphs and a conclusion.
2. The thesis statement gives a clear and concise account of the three main claims that are logically developed in each of the body paragraphs.
3. Each body paragraph contains a clear and well-formulated topic sentence which gives the main idea of the whole paragraph.
4. Linking words and phrases are used skilfully between sentences and paragraphs to help to achieve cohesion and clarity of the argument in the essay.

Weaknesses:

1.The main body paragraphs do not have clear concluding sentences. For example, the last sentence of body paragraph 1 gives an example citation from Aydin (2012) instead of summarizing the central argument or making a transition to body paragraph
2.Some of the points made by the writer are not sufficiently mitigated/hedged. For example, the thesis statement of the essay could be mitigated by using modal verb could in front of the main verbs help, make and allow.
3. The is insufficient research -based evidence used in the main body paragraphs of the essay. For instance, body paragraph 2 is focused on Facebook use to help teacher solve students’ personal problems. It is important to use examples from previous research rather than give personal unsupported examples. 4.Some of the claims made by the writer lack in precision and clarity. For example, in the body paragraph 1, the writer is imprecise and unclear when talking about “using Facebook between students and teachers as an educational environment” to improve “students’ involvement.” It should be made clearer by adding further explanation, e.g., “students’ involvement in the learning process”.

Plain Text Essay
Annotated Essay

Persuasive Essay One:

Should students be friends with teachers on Facebook?

Social networks such as Facebook have spread widely starting from the time they appeared. According to Lee King (2011), two fifths of the population of United States have personal Facebook account and the most part of it interacts with another 130 users every day. Students make up a bigger part of the percentage. Along with them, teachers also use the social network, consequently a question of should students be friends with teachers on Facebook has appeared and is being discussed. Even though teachers have to keep students in distance from them, friendship might be quite useful because it helps during the studying process, makes it easier to solve students’ problems and allows to share information in a more effective way.

Firstly, the complicated study process can be made easier if teachers interact with students outside the classes. Usually, home tasks play as important role as activities done during the classes but tasks cannot be always done by the students themselves, some researches on questions in internet may be needed. For such cases, it would be more appropriate if they approach their teachers on Facebook and get recommendations from them. Also, as Aydin (2012) states, using Facebook between students and teachers as an educational environment improves students’ involvement.

Secondly, trusted teachers may help to solve personal problems of students. Even though students are not anonymous while communicating with teachers on Facebook, they “may feel more comfortable with electronic communication in the first plea for help” (Hunter, 2012, p2). One example of this might be a will of committing suicide. In this case, contacting with teacher may help to persuade student not to do this. Another example is rejecting to talk to anyone and being absent at school without warning a teacher. Causes may be different, for example, lack of attention from others. While student would not answer a call, they would probably answer text messages sent by teacher.

Finally, Facebook allows to spread information in a quick way. Students may gather not only at classes but only in the social network by creating a special group and adding the teacher. Consequently, teacher would be able to send required study materials, recommendations and answer questions publicly improving the effectiveness of academic study. Aydin (2012) suggests educators to develop their strategies of helping students to connect and unite in network, enhancing their learning and development.

Concluding all of the advantages of using Facebook among teachers and students, it is possible to say that the social network may be effective not only between one student and teacher but also in the scale of the whole group, school, college, university or even city. Governments of republics throughout the world should consider social networks such as Facebook as an educational environment in the future.

References

1. David Lee King and Eric T. Poulin (2011), Facebook for Libraries: It’s easy to use social media’s most popular tool to connect with your community. Available from: http://www.jstor.org/stable/23024986 [Accessed 02 November 2016]
2. Selami Aydin (2012), A review of research on Facebook as an educational environment. Available from: http://www.jstor.org/stable/23356895 [Accessed 02 November 2016]
3. Eileen Hunter (2012), CLASS LIST ? FRIEND LIST. Available at: http://www.jstor.org/stable/42926616 [Accessed 02 November 2016]

Persuasive Essay One:

Should students be friends with teachers on Facebook?

Legend:

Idea Development Academic Style Grammatical Accuracy Lexical Appropriacy Source Use Macrostructure Spelling Accuracy Punctuation Accuracy

Social networks such as Facebook have spread widely starting from the time they appeared. According to Lee King (2011) Issue No. 1: It is important to mention both authors’ names when using an in-text citation, i.e., According to Lee King and Poulin.
Click here for In-text Citations issue, two fifths Issue No. 2: A hyphen needs to be added in the compound number two fifths of the population of United States Issue No. 3: The definite article the needs to be added before United States. The names of the countries which contain the words “states”, “republic”, “kingdom” and “federation” require a definite article the.
Click here for Definite Article issue have personal Facebook account Issue No. 4: The noun phrase ‘personal Facebook account’ requires an indefinite article ‘a’ before it.
Click here for Indefinite Article issue and Issue No. 5: A comma needs to be added before the coordinating conjunction in a compound sentence.
Click here for Comma issue the most part of Issue No. 6: A redundant expression most part of needs to be reduced to most of. Redundant phrases such as round in shape, final outcome, and past experience are informal and idiomatic.
Click here for Redundancy issue it interacts with another 130 users every day. Students make up Issue No. 7: An informal multi-word verb make up needs to be replaced with a more academic verb form. a bigger Issue No. 8: A superlative the biggest needs to be used instead of a comparative a bigger because students are the main group of Facebook users. part Issue No. 9: An inappropriate expression part needs to be replaced with a more appropriate expression group. of the percentage Issue No. 10: A contextually inappropriate word percentage needs to be replaced with a more precise expression, population of Facebook users.. Along with them, teachers also use the social network, Issue No. 11: Two independent clauses should not be joined with a comma. A semicolon should be used before the word consequently and a comma after it. consequently a question of should students be friends with teachers on Facebook Issue No. 12: The word order is wrong in this sentence. The structure should students be friends with teachers on Facebook should be changed to of whether students should be friends with teachers on Facebook. has appeared and is being discussed. Issue No. 13: The point made in this sentence needs to be made more precise, i.e., is being discussed where and by whom? Even though teachers have to keep students in Issue No. 14: The preposition in needs to be replaced with the preposition at because keep someone at a distance is a set phrase in English. distance Issue No. 15:The indefinite article a needs to be added before the word distance because keep someone at a distance is a set phrase in English.
Click here for Indefinite Article issue from them, friendship might be quite useful because it helps Issue No. 16: The claim need to be hedged in this sentence by adding a modal verb could before the main verb help and changing the form helps to help.
Click here for Hedging issue during the studying process, makes Issue No. 17: The claim need to be hedged in this sentence by adding a modal verb could before the main verb make and changing the form makes to make.
Click here for Hedging issue it easier to solve students’ problems and allows Issue No. 18: The claim need to be hedged in this sentence by adding a modal verb could before the main verb allow and changing the form allows to allow.
Click here for Hedging issue to share information in a more effective way.

Firstly, the complicated study process can be made easier if teachers interact with students outside the classes. Issue No. 19: No definite article the is needed before classes in this sentence. Usually, home tasks Issue No. 20: Homework is a more appropriate word to use in this sentence. play as important role as activities done during the classes Issue No. 21: No definite article the is needed before classes in this sentence. but Issue No. 22: A comma before the coordinating conjunction but in a compound sentence needs to be added.
Click here for Comma issue tasks cannot be always Issue No. 23: The adverbial always is misplaced and needs to be put before the verb to be. done by the students themselves, Issue No. 24: A comma needs to be replaced with a full stop to avoid a run-on sentence.
Click here for Redundancy issue some researches Issue No. 25: A plural form researches does not exist and needs to be replaced with a singular form research. on questionsIssue No. 26: It is not entirely clear what kind of research is meant here. More detail and explanation is needed. in internet Issue No. 27: The definite article the is needed before the word internet. Nouns that refer to unique objects are always preceded by a definite article.
Click here for Definite Article issue may be needed. For such cases, it would be more appropriate if they Issue No. 28: A pronoun they needs to be replaced with a more precise word students for clarity of the statement. approach Issue No. 29:The verb approach should be replaced with the past tense approached because the second conditional type requires the use of past simple tense. their teachers on Facebook and get Issue No. 30:The verb get should be replaced with the past tense got because the second conditional type requires the use of past simple tense. recommendations from them. Also, as Aydin (2012) states, using Facebook between students and teachers as an educational environment improves students’ involvement. Issue No. 31: It is not entirely clear what kind of students’ involvement is meant in this sentence.

Secondly, trusted teachers may help to solve personal problems of students. Issue No. 32: The verb help in this sentence requires a direct object students. Even though students are not anonymous while communicating with teachers on Facebook, they “may feel more comfortable with electronic communication in the first plea for help” (Hunter, 2012, p2). Issue No. 33: A full stop after the page number is needed. One example of this might be a will Issue No. 34: It needs to be made clearer whose will of committing suicide is meant in this sentence, i.e., “student’s will” of committing suicide. In this case, contacting with Issue No. 35: The preposition with should not be used here. teacher Issue No. 36: The indefinite article a is needed before a singular countable noun teacher.
Click here for Indefinite Article issue may help to persuade student Issue No. 37: The indefinite article a is needed before a singular countable noun student.
Click here for Indefinite Article issue not to do this. Another example is rejecting to talk to anyone and being absent at school without warning a teacher. Causes may be different, for example, lack of attention from others. Issue No. 38:It needs to be made clearer- causes of what are meant in this sentence, e.g., “of this behaviour”? While student Issue No. 39: An indefinite article a is needed before a singular countable noun student.
Click here for Indefinite Article issue would not answer a call, they would probably answer text messages sent by teacher. Issue No. 40:A determiner (definite article the or pronoun their) is needed before the noun teacher.
Click here for Definite Article issue

Finally, Facebook allows to spread Issue No. 41: The structure following the verb allows in this sentence needs to be revised and a preposition of should be added before information. information in a quick Issue No. 42: A less formal expression quick needs to be replaced with a more formal expression rapid. way. Issue No. 43: A less formal expression way should be replaced with a more formal expression manner. Students may gather Issue No. 44: A more contextually appropriate expression interact needs to be used instead of gather in this sentence. not only at Issue No. 45: The preposition at should be replaced with in. classes Issue No. 46: A plural form of the noun classes needs to be replaced with a singular form class. but only Issue No. 47: An expression only needs to be replaced with also because of the set construction not only…but also… in Issue No. 48: The preposition in needs to be replaced with the preposition on. the social network by creating a special group and adding the teacher. Consequently, teacher Issue No. 49: The definite article the needs to be added before the noun teacher.
Click here for Definite Article issue would be able to send required study materials, Issue No. 50: It needs to be made clearer- able to send the required study materials to whom? recommendations Issue No. 51:
The verb give needs to be added before the noun recommendations.
Issue No. 52: It needs to be made clearer- what kind of recommendations are meant in this sentence. and answer questions publicly improving the effectiveness of academic study. Aydin (2012) suggests educators to develop Issue No. 53: The construction suggests …to develop should be changed to suggests that…should develop. their strategies of Issue No. 54: The preposition of needs to be replaced with the preposition for. helping students to connect and unite in Issue No. 55: The preposition in needs to be replaced with the preposition on. network, Issue No. 56: It needs to be made clearer that social network is meant in this sentence.
Issue No. 57: A plural form networks needs to be used rather than a singular network because Aydin is talking not about one particular network but about social networks in general. enhancing their learning and development.

Concluding all of Issue No. 58: A signposting expression Concluding all of… needs to be replaced with In conclusion, regarding… the advantages of using Facebook among teachers and students, it is possible to say that the social network may be effective Issue No. 59: It needs to be made clearer- effective for what? not only between oneIssue No. 60: The word one is redundant in this sentence.
Click here for Redundancy issue student and teacher but also in Issue No. 61: The preposition in needs to be replaced with the preposition at. the scale of the whole group, school, college, university or even city. Governments of republics Issue No. 62: A very specific noun republics needs to be replaced with a more appropriate general word countries in this sentence. throughout the world should consider social networks such as Facebook as an educational environment in Issue No. 63: The preposition in needs to be replaced with the preposition for. the future.

References Issue No. 64: The following issues with referencing have been identified in this essay: 1. The sources should not be numbered; instead, they should be arranged alphabetically by the last name of the author. 2. Authors’ last names should be followed by first name initials. 3. All relevant details about the source should be included, i.e., the name of the journal, the volume, the issue and page numbers. 4. A hanging indentation should be used, i.e., every line after the first line should be moved a few spaces to the right.
Click here for Referencing issue

Activities:

Question 1:
Identify the thesis statement of the essay.

A: Social networks such as Facebook have spread widely starting from the time they appearedIncorrect: This is a BACKGROUND statement, which gives a broad introduction to the essay topic.

B: Even though teachers have to keep students in distance from them, friendship might be quite useful because it helps during the studying process, makes it easier to solve students’ problems and allows to share information in a more effective wayCorrect: This is a THESIS statement, which outlines the main points that will be covered in the essay. It usually appears as the last sentence of the introduction paragraph.

C: Governments of republics throughout the world should consider social networks such as Facebook as an educational environment in the futureIncorrect: This is a CONCLUDING sentence of the essay.

Question 2:
Which of the body paragraphs has a more effective concluding sentence?

A: Paragraph 1Incorrect: This paragraph finishes with a paraphrased citation, which is not a good practice in academic writing.

B: Paragraph 2Correct: This paragraph finished has more general summary sentence rather than a quotation at the end.

C: Paragraph 3Incorrect: This paragraph finishes with a paraphrased citation, which is not a good practice in academic writing.

Question 3:
Identify all types of supporting detail that the writer used in the essay.

A: Examples and quotationsIncorrect: The writer is giving examples and quotations, but there are other types of supporting detail that they use in this essay.

B: Quotations and statisticsIncorrect: The writer is using quotations and statistics but there are other types of supporting detail that they use in this essay.

C: Examples, quotations and statisticsCorrect: The writer has used all three types of supporting detail in this essay.

Question 4:
Identify the technique that the writer used to establish cohesion between paragraphs.

A: Using transitional words and phrases (e.g., Firstly, secondly, finally) Correct: The use of transition words and phrases is one of the main ways of establishing cohesion between paragraphs in this essay.

B: Using research-based evidence (e.g., according to Lee King (2011), Aydin (2012) suggests…) Incorrect: Research-based evidence is used in the essay, but not for the purpose of cohesion. The main role of the evidence us is to substantiate the writer’s claims.

C: Both A and B Incorrect☹ Both A and B are used, but only A is used to establish cohesion between paragraphs.