1. The essay has a clear structure; it consists of an introduction, three body paragraphs and a conclusion.
2. The thesis statement gives a clear and concise account of the two main claims to be developed in the main body.
3. There is a clear topic sentence at the beginning of every body paragraph in the essay.
4. Overall, the signposting and hedging expressions are used effectively in the essay.
1. Several claims made by the writer need to be backed up with some research-based evidence. For example, body paragraph 3 does not include any evidence from literature.
2. Some of the claims made by the writer lack in precision and clarity. To illustrate, in body paragraph 1, the writer is imprecise and unclear when talking about tests and gamers’ performance.
3. The conclusion of the essay is not supposed to contain any new information that was not previously mentioned in the main body.
4. More academic sources should have been used to support and exemplify the claims made by the writer.
In the research by International Journal Communication, it is reported that 7-15 aged children who regularly play video games perform by 13% better results academically in some areas than those who do not play them, and have “higher intellectual functioning and overall school competence” in general (Posso,2016).Since video games have become an integral part of the children’s lives, there were an extensive amount of talks about its negative impacts on the human brain and health overall. Although, it is unlikely that someone will believe that there are benefits from video games after such talks, it turns out that they actually have an amazing impact on children’s mind. While video games can be considered as having a detrimental effect on children’s development and their mental health, they should not be banned and prohibited, because video games contribute the development of such qualities as faster decision-making and cognitive
and perceptual abilities in academic sphere.
First major advantage of video games is that they contribute children’s mind to process information more quickly and make instant decisions. For instance, in most video games, gamers are required to take quick decisions, and the ability to think swiftly and take prompt reactions is highly essential in order to win the game. In the experiment by scientists from Rochester University, participants were asked to go through several tests. As a result, those who played video games regularly passed the tests by 25% faster and better than non-gamers, by making instant and more accurate decisions(Bavelier,2010). Moreover, during this investigation they confirmed the idea that video games tend to improve motor functions of the body, increase attention and coordination and these suggested skills may also assist children to become successful soldiers, surgeons, architects and scientists in the future.
Another beneficial effect of playing video games is the amelioration of cognitive and perceptual skills in children academically. Program for International Students Assessment reported that students who regularly play video games “scored 15 and 17 points above average in mathematics and science” respectively, than those who do not play them(Posso,2016). Hence, this can be connected with the fact that in many video games children have to solve problems and quizzes that require skills precisely in these subjects. Video games allow the players to use and hone the skills learned in school lessons, as they have to solve series of tasks to reach the next levels. This evidence shows that video games generally tend to develop intellectual abilities and facilitate the learning process among children, which is considered to be very significant and valuable in current dynamic world.
Though there are many amazing positive effects that video games can have on children’s mind, “there are two sides to every coin” and some opponents argue that these online games progressively deteriorate children’s mental health. It is believed that excessive abuse of games may harm general productivity, physical and mental health and cause self-isolation. However, it is not maintained that playing video games days in and days out is actually auspicious for health, but in reasonable doses they have quite powerful and positive effects on children’s development overall.
To conclude, opinions about the dangers of computer games on general health of people are out of date and need a thorough review. Consequently, it is claimed that video games are not just a recreational pastime, but also a tool that helps children to develop their abilities. The main thing is to choose a game with the right content and not exceed a certain amount of gaming hours per day, and hereby the game will only benefit by providing a great exercise for the brain, the effects of which can be obtained very quickly.
References
1.Bavelier, D. (2010). Video Games Lead to Faster Decisions that are No Less Accurate. University of Rochester. Available from www.rochester.edu/news/show.php?id=3679 [Accessed 2 November 2016].
2.Posso, A. (2016). Internet Usage and Educational Outcomes. International Journal of Communication 10(2016), 3851–3876. Melbourne. Available from http://ijoc.org/index.php/ijoc/article/view/5586/1742. [Accessed 2 November 2016].
In theIssue No. 1: The definite article the is not needed in this sentence.
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Issue No. 2: No preposition in is needed at the beginning of the sentence. researchIssue No. 3: The word published needs to be used after research. by InternationalIssue No. 4: The definite article the needs to be used before the name of the journal.
Click here for Definite Article issue Journal CommunicationIssue No. 5: The preposition of needs to be added to the name of the journal., it isIssue No. 6: The structure of the sentence needs to be revised. reported that 7-15 aged childrenIssue No. 7: A more appropriate expression 7-15 years olds needs to be used in this sentence. who regularly play video games perform by 13% better resultsIssue No. 8: The style of writing needs to be more academic by using a higher proportion of noun phrases and adding a hedging expression on average before the percentage.
Click here for Hedging issue academically in some areasIssue No. 9: A comma needs to be used before the interrupter expression in some areas.
Issue No. 10: A comma needs to be used after the interrupter expression in some areas.
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Issue No. 11: The claim needs to be made more precise by illustrating the specific areas. than those who do not play them,Issue No. 12: The sentence needs to be divided into two shorter sentences to avoid having the run-on sentence.
Click here for Run-on Sentence issue andIssue No. 13: The conjunction and should not be used at the beginning of the sentence.
Issue No. 14: The subject and the linking phrase need to be added to this sentence to make it complete. have “higher intellectual functioning and overall school competence”Issue No. 15: The citation by Posso (2016) should better be paraphrased rather used as a direct quotation.
Click here for In-text Citations issue in general (Posso,2016).Since video games have become an integral part of theIssue No. 16: No definite article the is needed because children in general rather than a specific group of children is meant here.
Click here for Definite Article issue children’s lives, there wereIssue No. 17: The present perfect tense needs to be used instead of past simple tense because the research is still being done in the area.
Click here for Tense issue an extensive amount of talks aboutIssue No. 18: A more appropriate expression research into needs to be used instead of the expression talks about. itsIssue No. 19: The plural form of the pronoun their needs to be used because it refers to video games. negative impactsIssue No. 20: The singular form of the noun impact is needed in this sentence. on the human brain and health overallIssue No. 21: The word order needs to be changed in this sentence.. Although,Issue No. 22: No comma should be used after the conjunction Although in this sentence.
Click here for Comma issue it is unlikely that someone will believe that there are benefits fromIssue No. 23: The preposition of needs to be used instead of the preposition from after the noun benefits. video games after such talksIssue No. 24: A more appropriate expression research needs to be used instead of the expression talks., it turns outIssue No. 25: A more academic verb transpires needs to be used instead of the phrasal verb turns out. that they actually have an amazing impactIssue No. 26: A more appropriate academic expression needs to be used instead of the emotional adjective amazing.
Click here for Emotive Language issue on children’s mindIssue No. 27: The plural form of the noun minds needs to be used in this sentence. . While video games can be considered as having a detrimental effect on children’s development and their mental health, they should not be banned and prohibitedIssue No. 28: The use of the expression prohibited is redundant because it is synonymous with the expression banned used in the same sentence.
Click here for Redundancy issue,Issue No. 29: No comma is needed before a conjunction because in a dependent clause.
Click here for Comma issue because video games contribute the development of such qualities as faster decision-making and cognitive and perceptual abilitiesIssue No. 30: The adjective enhanced needs to be used before the noun phrase cognitive and perceptual abilities to make the phrase more precise and clear. in academic sphereIssue No. 31: The definite article the is needed in this sentence..
FirstIssue No. 32: The definite article the needs to be used before the signposting expression First in this sentence. major advantage of video games is that they contributeIssue No. 33: A more contextually appropriate expression train needs to be used instead of the expression contribute. children’s mindIssue No. 34: The plural form of the noun minds needs to be used in this sentence. to process information more quickly and make instantIssue No. 35: A more contextually appropriate expression fast needs to be used instead of the expression instant. decisionsIssue No. 36: The claim needs to be substantiated with some research-based evidence.
Click here for Evidence issue. For instance, in most video games, gamers are required to take quick decisions, and the ability to think swiftly and take prompt reactionsIssue No. 37: A more contextually appropriate expression actions needs to be used instead of the expression reactions. is highlyIssue No. 38: The use of the expression highly is redundant in this sentence.
Click here for Redundancy issue essential in order to win the game. In the experiment by scientists from Rochester UniversityIssue No. 39: The use of the expression the experiment by scientists from Rochester University is redundant.
Click here for Redundancy issue, Issue No. 40: The referencing details including the author’s last name and the year of publication need to be included in the sentence.
Click here for In-text Citations issueparticipants were asked to go through several tests.Issue No. 41: The statement needs to be made more precise by clarifying the type of tests. As a result, those who played video games regularly passed the tests byIssue No. 42: No preposition by needs to be used in this sentence. 25% faster and betterIssue No. 43: The statement needs to be made more precise by clarifying what better means. than non-gamers, by making instantIssue No. 44: A more contextually appropriate expression rapid needs to be used instead of the expression instant. and more accurate decisions(Bavelier,2010)Issue No. 45: The referencing details (Bavelier, 2010) need to be replaced by (et al.) to avoid repeating the same referencing details in the subsequent sentence.. Moreover, during this investigation theyIssue No. 46: The statement needs to be made more precise by replacing the pronoun they with the noun phrase the researchers. confirmed the ideaIssue No. 47: A more appropriate academic expression found evidence needs to be used in this sentence. that video games tend to improve motor functions of the bodyIssue No. 48: The use of the expression of the body is redundant in this sentence.
Click here for Redundancy issue, increase attentionIssue No. 49: The phrase is incomplete and needs the word span to be added before attention. and coordinationIssue No. 50: The phrase is incomplete and needs the verb improve to be added before coordination.
Issue No. 51: The sentence needs to be divided into two shorter sentences to avoid having the run-on sentence.
Click here for Run-on Sentence issue andIssue No. 52: The conjunction and should not be used at the beginning of the sentence. theseIssue No. 53: The capital letter T needs to be used in the word These at the beginning of the sentence. suggestedIssue No. 54: The use of the expression suggested is redundant in this sentence.
Click here for Redundancy issue skills may also assist children to become successful soldiers, surgeons, architects and scientists in the future.
Another beneficial effect of playing video games is the ameliorationIssue No. 55: A more appropriate and familiar to the audience expression enhancement needs to be used in this sentence. of cognitive and perceptual skills in children academically. ProgramIssue No. 56: The definite article the needs to be used before the name of the programme.
Click here for Definite Article issue for International Students Assessment reported that students who regularly play video games “scored 15 and 17 points above average in mathematics and science” respectively,Issue No. 57: No comma is needed before than in this sentence. than those who do not play them (Posso,2016). Hence, this can be connected withIssue No. 58: A more appropriate expression relate to needs to be used in this sentence. the fact that in many video games children have to solve problems and quizzes that require skills precisely in these subjects.Issue No. 59: The claim needs to be substantiated with some research-based evidence.
Click here for Evidence issue Video games allow the players to use and hone the skills learned in school lessonsIssue No. 60: A more concise expression at school needs to be used instead of a more wordy expression in school lessons.
Click here for Wordiness issue, as they have to solve seriesIssue No. 61: The indefinite article a is needed before the noun phrase series of tasks.
Click here for Indefinite Article issue of tasks to reach theIssue No. 63: No definite article the is needed in this sentence. nextIssue No. 62: A more precise expression higher needs to be used instead of a vague expression next. levels. This evidenceIssue No. 64: The use of the expression evidence is redundant in this sentence.
Click here for Redundancy issue shows that video games generally tend to develop intellectual abilities and facilitate the learning process among children, which is considered to be very significant and valuable in current dynamic worldIssue No. 65: The definite article the needs to be used before the noun phrase in this sentence.
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ThoughIssue No. 66: The signposting expression Although needs to be used at the beginning of the sentence. there are many amazingIssue No. 67: The emotional adjective amazing needs to be avoided in academic writing.
Click here for Emotive Language issue positive effects that video games can have on children’s mindIssue No. 68: The plural form of the noun minds needs to be used in this sentence. , “there are two sides to every coin”Issue No. 69: The use of idioms needs to be avoided in academic writing. andIssue No. 70: The conjunction and should not be used in this sentence. some opponents argue that theseIssue No. 71: The use of the pronoun these is redundant in this sentence. online games progressively deteriorate children’s mental health.Issue No. 72: The claim needs to be substantiated with some research-based evidence.
Click here for Evidence issue It is believed that excessive abuseIssue No. 73: A more appropriate expression playing needs to be used in this sentence. of games may harm general productivity, physical and mental health and cause self-isolationIssue No. 74: The expression self-isolation is non-existent and need to be replaced by isolation.
Issue No. 75: It is not entirely clear whether this is the writer’s opinion or whether it comes from a specific academic source. The reference needs to be clearly given in text if this is not the writer’s own opinion.. However, it is not maintained that playing video games days in and days outIssue No. 76: A more appropriate academic expression every day needs to be used in this sentence. is actually auspiciousIssue No. 77: A more contextually appropriate and familiar to the audience beneficial needs to be used in this sentence. for health butIssue No. 78: A comma is needed before the interrupter phrase in this sentence.
Click here for Comma issue in reasonable doses they have quite powerfulIssue No. 79: The emotional expression quite powerful needs to be avoided in academic writing.
Click here for Emotive Language issue and positive effects on children’s development overallIssue No. 80: The word order needs to be changed in this sentence..
To conclude, opinionsIssue No. 81: The claim needs to be mitigated by using a hedging expression some before opinions.
Click here for Hedging issue about the dangers of computer games on general healthIssue No. 82: The definite article the needs to be used before the noun phrase in this sentence.
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Issue No. 83: The use of the expression general is redundant in this sentence.
Click here for Redundancy issue of people are out of date and need a thorough review. Consequently, it is claimed that video games are not just a recreational pastimeIssue No. 84: A more contextually appropriate expression activity needs to be used in this sentence., but also a tool that helps children to develop their abilities. The main thing is toIssue No. 85: A more concise expression needs to be used at the beginning of the sentence.
Click here for Wordiness issue choose a game with the right content and not exceed a certain amount of gaming hours per day, and herebyIssue No. 86: A more appropriate linking phrase thus needs to be used in this sentence. the game will only benefitIssue No. 87: The sentence structure needs to be revised by including the phrase be of before benefit. by providing aIssue No. 89: The indefinite article a is not needed before the noun phrase valuable exercise.
Click here for Indefinite Article issue greatIssue No. 88: The emotional expression great needs to be replaced with a more appropriate expression valuable.
Click here for Emotive Language issue exercise for the brain, the effects of which can be obtained very quickly.Issue No. 90: The new argument that is not substantiated by any evidence in the main body needs to be avoided in the conclusion of the essay.
ReferencesIssue No. 91: A number of issues were identified with the References in this essay: 1. More than two sources should have been included in the References. 2. The sources included in the References should not be numbered. 3. A hanging indentation should be used, i.e., every line after the first line should be moved a few spaces to the right. 4. The details of the second source need to be checked for accuracy. Specifically, the issue of the journal rather than the year of publication needs to appear in parentheses after the volume of the journal. Moreover, the title of the article is not supposed to be italicised while the name of the journal requires the use of italics.
1.Bavelier, D. (2010). Video Games Lead to Faster Decisions that are No Less Accurate. University of Rochester. Available from www.rochester.edu/news/show.php?id=3679 [Accessed 2 November 2016].
2.Posso, A. (2016). Internet Usage and Educational Outcomes. International Journal of Communication 10(2016), 3851–3876. Melbourne. Available from http://ijoc.org/index.php/ijoc/article/view/5586/1742. [Accessed 2 November 2016].
Question 1:
What should the writer have done better in terms of the in-text citations use in the essay?
A: They should have used more current sourcesIncorrect: The sources cited in the essay are not outdated. One of them was published in 2010 and the other only in 2016.
B: They should have used more than two sources to substantiate their claimsCorrect: The writer should have used more than two sources to substantiate their claims. The first and second body paragraphs contain some unsupported statements, and the third body paragraph has no supporting evidence at all.
C: They should have cited each source more than once in the essayIncorrect: The writer used two different citations from Posso (2016). However, it is not essential in academic writing to cite every source more than once.
Question 2:
Identify the examples of hedging language used in the essay.
A: tend to improve, may assist, tend to develop, may harm productivityCorrect: These are some of the examples of hedging/mitigation used by the writer to mitigate their claims.
B: have quite powerful effect, amazing positive effects, highly essentialIncorrect: These are not the examples of hedging, but some examples of emotional language used by the writer. Emotional language needs to be avoided in academic writing.
C: the first major advantage, another beneficial effect, to concludeIncorrect: These are not the examples of hedging, but some examples of signposting used by the writer to establish cohesion between paragraphs and to show the links between the main points in the essay.
Question 3:
What is missing in the fourth paragraph of the essay?
A: A topic sentenceIncorrect: The topic sentence is stated clearly at the beginning of the paragraph.
B: A supporting evidenceCorrect: No research-based evidence is used in the paragraph.
C: A concluding sentenceIncorrect: The concluding sentence is given at the end of the paragraph.
Question 4:
Which of the essay paragraphs gives a counterargument by focusing on the disadvantages of video games?
A: Paragraph 2Incorrect: This paragraph focuses on one of the advantages of video games, namely, an improvement in rapid information processing and fast decision-making skills.
B: Paragraph 3Incorrect: This paragraph focuses on one of the advantages of video games, namely, the enhancement of cognitive and perceptual skills in children.
C: Paragraph 4Correct: This paragraph aims to illustrate some disadvantages of video games, such as harm to general productivity, physical and mental health and increased levels of isolation.
