1. The essay has a clear structure; it consists of an introduction, three body paragraphs and a conclusion.
2. The writer attempts to provide some evidence from other sources to substantiate the claims they make in the essay.
3. The writer mitigates the claims they make by using appropriate hedging language where necessary.
4. Signposting is used throughout the essay, which makes the essay coherent and logical.
1. The thesis statement does not outline the key points to be developed in the main part of the essay.
2. Although the writer has used some evidence in the essay, some claims remain unsupported and need more evidence and examples from academic sources.
3. A number of statements in the 3rd body paragraph are vague and need to be expanded and exemplified.
4. The writer has used only non-integral citations by putting the referencing details in parentheses at the end of the sentence. They could have used some integral citations where the author’s name would appear as part of the sentence.
In 2011, 90% of toddlers were vaccinated against measles by 123 countries and from 2000 to 2011, as a result, measles death among infants has decreased to 71%(Unicef,2013). Apparently, the priority of vaccination is becoming more vital to infants. To illustrate, mumps, rubella, varicella, hepatitis A, hepatitis B, diphtheria, tetanus, pertussis are one of the most chronic ailments that can easily affect babies if they are not vaccinated. Despite vaccinations are not cheap and affordable to everyone, injection for toddlers should be obligatory because it would improve their immune system for fighting against harmful bacteria and its power would temporary defend the biological body until being mature.
First of all, compulsory vaccination for babies could guarantee healthy lifestyle without any fatal diseases. Undoubtedly, infant is given vaccinations to prevent possible risk of getting sick or dying when their biological body is not ready to protect itself. It is not a secret that, newborn baby gets effective immune before they are born from their mothers. Unfortunately, it is not long-term process and it lasts about couple month or even weeks(Immunization for your child,2012). Hence, children should be immunized in order to defend physical activeness of theirs body.
Second of all, if vaccination is obligatory to children, it would guarantee the safer immature period. While toddlers are growing, new infections can cover them and their body sometimes is not enough strong to protect children. Baby will be offered to be vaccinated until they reach 5 years of age. For instance, when toddlers get 2 moths old, they will be vaccinated against diphtheria, tetanus and when they are 11 years old, infants will be immunized against haemophilus influenza type B and meningococcal type C infection. Finally, after 2 to 5 years of age newborn children take flu vaccine which would protect them from different infections that can happen in near future until adolescence(Guide to childhood immunization,2014).
On the one hand, some parents, especially those who are not well educated in the sphere of medicine, do not believe in that, vaccinations for children would not promise totally protection because the harmful infections are increasing and developing gradually. As a result, fathers and mothers intentionally ignore the immunization procedure, even it is compulsory. On the other hand, according to the practiced mixture of immunized injections, the sphere of vaccination against serious infections are developing and the usage of injections is decreasing. Apparently, to be vaccinated by one injection which covers several vaccines are more preferable to children to be protected from other viruses and immune system also will be enhanced (Immunization for your child,2012).
To sum up, immune injections should be obligatory to newborn children as they are a great assistant to children’s health. Because, while infants are growing, vaccinations could protect them from getting dangerous ailments and additional immune energy could protect the body of toddlers until adolescence.
References
Immunization facts and figures (2013). Unity for children. Unicef. Available from http://www.unicef.org/media/files/UNICEF_Key_facts_and_figures_on_Nutrition
Immunization for your child (2012). Birth and baby. Available from .http://www.pregnancybirthbaby.org.au/immunisation-for-babies [Accessed January 2016]
Guide to childhood immunization up to 5 years old of age (2016). Healthier Scotland.2016th edition. Available from http://www.immunisationscotland.org.uk
InIssue No. 1: The preposition By needs to be used instead of the preposition In in this sentence. 2011, 90% of toddlers were vaccinated against measles byIssue No. 2: The expression health professionals needs to be added in this sentence. 123 countriesIssue No. 3: The preposition in is needed in this sentence.
Issue No. 4: The sentence needs to be divided into two shorter sentences to avoid having a run-on sentence.
Click here for Run-on Sentence issue and from 2000 to 2011,Issue No. 5: The phrase and from 2000 to 2011 is no longer needed in this sentence. as a result,Issue No. 6: The capital letter A needs to be used in the phrase As a result which now appears at the beginning of the sentence. measles deathIssue No. 7: The plural form of the noun deaths needs to be used in this sentence. among infants hasIssue No. 8: The plural form of the verb have needs to be used to establish subject-verb agreement. decreased toIssue No. 9: The preposition by needs to be used instead of the preposition to in this sentence. 71%(Unicef,2013). Apparently,Issue No. 10: The use of a non-academic expression Apparently needs to be avoided. the priority ofIssue No. 11: The use of the expression the priority of is redundant in this sentence.
Click here for Redundancy issue vaccinationIssue No. 12: The capital letter V needs to be used in Vaccination which now appears at the beginning of the sentence. is becoming more vitalIssue No. 13: The phrase more vital needs to be replaced with a more appropriate phrase increasingly important. toIssue No. 14: The preposition for needs to be used instead of the preposition to in this sentence. infants. To illustrate,Issue No. 15: The expression To illustrate should not be used here because the writer is not illustrating the claim introduced in the previous sentence but giving further explanation.
Issue No. 16: The phrase Various illnesses such as needs to be added at the beginning of the sentence before giving examples of these illnesses. mumps, rubella, varicella,Issue No. 17: Three examples of more familiar diseases need to be mentioned. Th rest of the examples should not be used. hepatitis A, hepatitis B, diphtheria, tetanus, pertussisIssue No. 18: Three examples of more familiar diseases need to be mentioned. Th rest of the examples should not be used. are oneIssue No. 19: More than one example of diseases has been given; therefore, the expression some needs to be used here. of the most chronicIssue No. 20: The phrase most chronic is non-existent and needs to be replaced by most serious. ailmentsIssue No. 21: The noun phrase ailments needs to be replaced by a more relevant phrase conditions. that can easily affect babies if they are not vaccinated. DespiteIssue No. 22: The conjunction Despite needs to be followed by this in this sentence. vaccinationsIssue No. 23: A comma needs to be used after the introductory phrase at the beginning of the sentence.
Click here for Comma issue are not cheapIssue No. 24: The expression not cheap should be replaced by a less wordy expression expensive.
Click here for Wordiness issue and affordableIssue No. 25: The expression not affordable should be replaced by a less wordy expression unaffordable. toIssue No. 26: The preposition for needs to be used instead of the preposition to in this sentence. everyoneIssue No. 27: A mitigated expression some needs to be used instead of everyone.
Click here for Hedging issue,Issue No. 28: The sentence needs to be divided into two shorter sentences to avoid having a run-on sentence. injectionIssue No. 29: A more precise and contextually appropriate expression vaccinations needs to be used in this sentence. for toddlers should be obligatory because itIssue No. 30: The plural form of the pronoun they needs to be used here because it refers to vaccinations. wouldIssue No. 31: The modal verb would should not be used in this sentence. improve their immune system for fighting against harmful bacteriaIssue No. 32: The noun phrase harmful bacteria needs to be replaced by a more relevant and less wordy phrase diseases. and its power would temporary defend the biological body until being mature.Issue No. 33: The clause and its power would temporary defend the biological body until being mature should not be included in the thesis statement.
Issue No. 34: The thesis statement needs to be revised to include the three main points introduced in the main body of the essay.
First of all, compulsory vaccination for babies could guarantee healthy lifestyleIssue No. 35: A more contextually appropriate expression promote a disease-free life needs to be used in this sentence. without any fatal diseases.Issue No. 36: The phrase without any fatal diseases is redundant in this sentence.
Click here for Redundancy issue Undoubtedly,Issue No. 37: The use of an overly strong expression Undoubtedly, should be avoided in academic writing.
Click here for Hedging issue infantIssue No. 38: The plural form of the noun Infants needs to be used in this sentence. isIssue No. 39: The plural form of the verb to be is needed to establish subject-verb agreement. given vaccinations to preventIssue No. 40: The definite article the is needed before the phrase risk of getting sick.
Click here for Definite Article issue possibleIssue No. 41: The use of the adjective possible is redundant in this sentence because risk itself is defined at the possibility of getting exposed to danger.
Click here for Redundancy issue risk of getting sick or dying when their biologicalIssue No. 42: The use of the adjective biological is redundant in this sentence.
Click here for Redundancy issue body is not readyIssue No. 43: A more contextually appropriate word able needs to be used in this sentence. to protect itself. It is not a secretIssue No. 44: An informal spoken expression It is not a secret that needs to be replaced by a more formal academic expression. that,Issue No. 45: No comma should be used after that in this sentence.
Click here for Comma issue newborn babyIssue No. 46: The plural form babies is needed in this sentence. gets effective immuneIssue No. 47: A more appropriate expression receive immunity needs to be used in this sentence. beforeIssue No. 48: The statement needs to be made more precise by adding the phrase to some conditions. they are born from their mothers. Unfortunately, it is not long-termIssue No. 49: The indefinite article a needs to be used before the noun phrase.
Click here for Indefinite Article issue processIssue No. 50: A more contextually appropriate noun immunity is needed in this sentence. andIssue No. 51: The conjunction as needs to be used instead of the conjunction and in this sentence. it lasts about couple month or even weeksIssue No. 52: The sentence needs to be revised by using more concise expressions.
Click here for Wordiness issue (Immunization for your child,2012). Hence, children should be immunized in order to defend physical activeness of theirs body.Issue No. 53: A more appropriate less wordy expression is needed in this sentence.
Click here for Wordiness issue
Second of all,Issue No. 54: The conjunction Secondly needs to be used in this paragraph to introduce the second main point of the essay. if vaccination is obligatory toIssue No. 55: The preposition for needs to be used instead of the preposition to in this sentence. children, it would guarantee theIssue No. 56: The indefinite article a is needed instead of the definite article in this sentence.
Click here for Indefinite Article issue safer immature period.Issue No. 57: A more concise and appropriate expression childhood needs to be used in this sentence.
Click here for Wordiness issue While toddlers are growing, new infections can cover them and their body sometimes is not enough strongIssue No. 58: A more appropriate expression is needed in this sentence. to protect children.Issue No. 59: The pronoun them is needed instead of the noun children to avoid repetition. BabyIssue No. 60: The plural form of the noun Babies needs to be used in this sentence. will beIssue No. 61: The plural form of the verb in the present simple tense is needed. offered to be vaccinatedIssue No. 62: A more academic expression is needed in this sentence. until they reach 5 years of ageIssue No. 63: A more concise expression is needed in this sentence.. Issue No. 64: The claim needs to be substantiated with some research-based evidence in the form of an in-text citation.
Click here for Evidence issueFor instance, when toddlers getIssue No. 65: The verb get needs to be replaced by a more appropriate verb to be. 2 mothsIssue No. 66: The spelling of the word needs to be changed. old, they will beIssue No. 67: The present simple tense of the verb to be needs to be used in this sentence. vaccinated against diphtheria, tetanus and when they are 11 years old, infants will be immunized against haemophilus influenza type B and meningococcal type C infection. Finally, afterIssue No. 68: The preposition between needs to be used instead of the preposition after in this sentence. 2 to 5 years of age newborn children takeIssue No. 69: The verb have needs to be used instead of the verb take in this sentence. fluIssue No. 70: The definite article the is needed before the noun flu.
Click here for Definite Article issue vaccine which would protect them from different infections that can happen in near future until adolescenceIssue No. 71: The clause is redundant in this sentence.
Click here for Redundancy issue (Guide to childhood immunization,2014).
On the one hand,Issue No. 72: The use of the signposting expression On the other hand, is not particularly appropriate in this context. someIssue No. 73: The capital letter S needs to be used in the word Some at the beginning of the sentence. parents, especially those who are not well educatedIssue No. 74: A more concise expression uneducated needs to be used in this sentence.
Click here for Wordiness issue inIssue No. 75: No preposition is needed after the verb believe before and before that in this sentence. the sphere of medicine, do not believe in that,Issue No. 76: No comma should be used after that in this sentence.
Click here for Comma issue vaccinations for children would not promise totally protectionIssue No. 77: A more concise and clear expression is needed in this sentence. because the harmful infections are increasing and developing graduallyIssue No. 78: The clause is redundant in this sentence.
Click here for Redundancy issue. As a result, fathers and mothersIssue No. 79: A more concise general word parents needs to be used here.
Click here for Wordiness issue intentionally ignore the immunizationIssue No. 80: No definite article the is needed before immunization. procedureIssue No. 81: The word procedure is redundant in this sentence. , Issue No. 82: No comma should be used before the conjunction even a dependent clause of the sentence.
Click here for Comma issueeven it is compulsory.Issue No. 84: The claim needs to be substantiated with some research-based evidence in the form of an in-text citation. On the other hand, according to the practiced mixture of immunized injections, the sphere of vaccination against serious infections are developing and the usage of injections is decreasing.Issue No. 85: It is not entirely clear what the writer intended to say in this sentence. Apparently,Issue No. 86: The use of a non-academic expression Apparently needs to be avoided. to be vaccinated by one injection which covers several vaccines are more preferable to children to be protected from other viruses and immune system also will be enhanced (Immunization for your child,2012).Issue No. 87: It is not entirely clear what the writer intended to say in this sentence.
Click here for Evidence issue
To sum up,Issue No. 88: A more academic signposting expression In summary is needed in this sentence. immune injectionsIssue No. 89: A more precise and contextually appropriate expression vaccinations needs to be used in this sentence. should be obligatory toIssue No. 90: The preposition for needs to be used instead of the preposition to in this sentence. newbornIssue No. 91: A contextually more appropriate adjective young needs to be used in this sentence. children as they are a great assistant toIssue No. 92: A more concise expression protect need to be used in this sentence.
Click here for Evidence issue children’s health. BecauseIssue No. 93: The sentence structure needs to be revised by adding This is at the beginning of the sentence.,Issue No. 94: No comma is needed before the conjunction while in this sentence.
Click here for Comma issue while infants are growing, vaccinations couldIssue No. 95: The modal verb can needs to be used in this sentence. protect them from getting dangerous ailmentsIssue No. 96: A contextually more appropriate noun conditions needs to be used in this sentence because the word ailments is usually used to describe minor illnesses. and additional immune energy could protect the body of toddlers until adolescence.
ReferencesIssue No. 98: A number of issues with the use of sources have been identified in this essay: 1. The writer should have used more academic sources from books and peer-reviewed journals. 2. The writer should have arranged the sources alphabetically. 3. The writer should have been consistent with the use of sources. Specifically, all three sources should either have the hyperlink underlined or not underlined. 4. A hanging indentation should be used, i.e., every line after the first line should be moved a few spaces to the right.
Immunization facts and figures (2013). Unity for children. Unicef. Available from http://www.unicef.org/media/files/UNICEF_Key_facts_and_figures_on_Nutrition
Immunization for your child (2012). Birth and baby. Available from .http://www.pregnancybirthbaby.org.au/immunisation-for-babies [Accessed January 2016]
Guide to childhood immunization up to 5 years old of age (2016). Healthier Scotland.2016th edition. Available from http://www.immunisationscotland.org.uk
Question 1:
Which signposting expression, i.e., a linking word or phrase that shows connections between the main arguments, located at the beginning of one of the essay paragraphs needs to be changed?
A: First of allIncorrect: First of all, used at the beginning of the first body paragraph, is an appropriate signposting expression to use in academic writing.
B: Second of allCorrect: Second of all, used at the beginning of the second body paragraph, is not an appropriate signposting expression to use in academic writing. A more appropriate expression Secondly or Second should have been used.
C: On the one handIncorrect: On the one hand, used at the beginning of the third body paragraph, is an appropriate signposting expression to use in academic writing.
Question 2:
Identify the topic sentence, i.e., a sentence that expresses the main idea of the first body paragraph, i.e., the paragraph that comes after the introductory paragraph of the essay.
A: The first sentence of the paragraph is the topic sentenceCorrect: The first sentence is the topic sentence in this paragraph.
B: The last sentence of the paragraph is the topic sentenceIncorrect: The last sentence is the concluding sentence which summarises the main idea of the paragraph.
C: The topic sentence is missing and needs to be included at the beginning of the paragraphIncorrect: The topic sentence is not missing in the body paragraph. It is the 1st sentence of the paragraph. The topic sentence generally appears at the beginning of the paragraph, often it is the paragraph’s very first sentence.
Question 3:
What is the main issue with the 3rd paragraph of the essay?
A: The paragraph ends with a citationCorrect: The paragraph should not end with a citation. The citation should be followed by at least one sentence of a discussion or evaluation. After that, a concluding sentence summarising the main idea of the paragraph needs to be given.
B: No cohesive devices, e.g., however, while, thus, are used in the paragraphIncorrect: A number of cohesive devices (e.g., while, for instance, finally) have been used skilfully in the paragraph.
C: The paragraph contains too many examplesIncorrect: This is not an issue. It is important to substantiate the claims with examples and evidence form literature.
Question 4:
Where in the essay does the writer introduce the counterargument?
A: Paragraph 2Incorrect: In this paragraph the writer talks only about the benefits of vaccination, i.e., provision of a disease-free life.
B: Paragraph 4Correct: This paragraph begins with the counterargument, i.e., some parents’ disbelief in the usefulness of vaccinations.
C: Paragraph 5Incorrect: In this paragraph, the writer summarises the main arguments in favour of vaccination.
