Strengths:

1. The essay has  a clear macrostructure- it consists of an introduction, several body paragraphs and conclusion.

2. The thesis statement is generally well-written- it outlines the three main points to be developed in the main body of the essay.

3. Each body paragraph focuses on one main point only.

4. Some supporting evidence from up-to-date sources has been integrated into the main body of the essay.

Weaknesses:

1. Some body paragraphs of the essay contain no supporting evidence from the research, e.g., the first and the last body paragraph.

2. Some claims made by the writer, e.g., in the first and the third body paragraph, have no relevance and logical connection to the main argument of the essay.

3. The conclusion needs to focus only on the points already covered in the main body of the essay, and not introduce completely new ideas and arguments.

4. The use of in-text citations is not always accurate. For example, the author’s last name rather than first name needs to be used in-text. Also, all sources cited in the essay need to appear in the reference list and the other way round, all sources in the Reference list need to be cited in the essay at least once.

Persuasive Essay Six:

Children should study at musical schools and play on musical instruments.

Most of parents are thinking about to give their child to a musical school or not. However, everyone knows that music is the only art form that a child can take immediately after birth, or even before birth. Doubtless, that starting a musical education for the child will be a crucial step in all aspects of his or her education, because of many benefits such as developing strong discipline, hearing and intelligence.

As a rule, music classes usually encourage will and discipline, thus for musicians, it is necessary to practice playing constantly, regularly, in other words, without interruption. In winter and summer, even on weekdays and holidays. Almost with the same tenacity with which champions train in the gym and at the rink. Nevertheless, unlike sports heroes, playing the piano, cannot broke neck or leg, or even hand. In fact, playing on instrument is character building, without risk of injury.

Secondly, music lessons assistance to evolve hearing. One argument in support of this fact is that according to the research, “even if a baby was initially not inclined to the music, owing to practice, the child will reveal a hearing ability” (Johnson, 2007). Moreover, each parent can take their children to a music school or a special concert, where after the performance, the young viewers can try to remove the sound of the unique instrument.

Besides, musical education has a positive domination on the expansion of intelligence in general. As Dr. Richard (2016) state “The earlier a little creatures come to grips with music, the more the brain growth will be influenced. It sets them up for life”. Since, major compositions split into smaller parts, which in turn divided into a tiny fragments and threads, consisting of miniature phrases and motifs, the brain itself parses and memorizes all parts of the compositions. Paradoxically, but making of melody affects the mental development of the child.

Sometimes the child is categorically refuses to be engaged in music school, because of the lack of time for friends, fun and hobbies. Besides, children frequently do not associate their lives with a musical career, so many of these extra classes will interfere for normal childhood, when children want to run around in the yard, climb trees, watch TV, and not to sit all day at the piano. On the other hand, in order to avoid those moments, one of the positive examples of familiarizing the baby to music, is a cooperative learning. For instance, with mother, when she can be also involved in music as well as her daughter, and perform tasks together, creating a variety of exciting game moments.

To learn or not to learn, it is only a child’s decision, but to teach or not to teach, it will depend on his or her parents. If people want their children will be wealthy and emotionally saturated, if they want their child to become successful, fully developed, motivated, and happy, parents should give young people this opportunity. Ability to play on their favorite musical instruments and enjoy learning.

Reference list:

Dr. Richard (2016). Volunteer for Social Change. Eleven Facts About Music Education. Available from https://www.dosomething.org/facts/11-facts-about-music-education [Accessed 30 October 2016].

Letts, R., and Johnson, C. (2016). Schoolatoz. Good reasons why your child should study music. Available from http://www.sch?olat?z.nsw.edu.au/homework-and-study/other-subjects-and-projects/the-arts/why-your-child-should-study-music [Accessed 30 October 2016].

Persuasive Essay Six:

Children should study at musical schools and play onIssue No. 1: The preposition on is not needed.musical instruments.

Legend:
Idea Development Academic Style Grammatical Accuracy Lexical Appropriacy Source Use Macrostructure Spelling Accuracy Punctuation Accuracy

Most ofIssue No. 2: The claim needs to be mitigated by using the hedging expression some instead of most of.
Click here for Hedging issue
parents are thinking aboutIssue No. 3: The less formal and less academic phrasal verb thinking about needs to be replaced by a more formal and more academic verb considering. to give their childIssue No. 4: A more contextually appropriate expression having their child study needs to be used instead of to give their child… toIssue No. 5: The preposition to needs to be replaced by the preposition at. a musicalIssue No. 6: The adjective musical needs to be replaced by music in a set phrase music school. school or notIssue No. 7: The phrase or not is redundant and needs to be avoided at the end of this sentence. . However, everyoneIssue No. 8: A vague expression everyone needs to be replaced by a more precise expression various researchers.
Issue No. 9: The claim needs to be substantiated with some research-based evidence in the form of citations.
Click here for Evidence issue
knowsIssue No. 10: A more appropriate reporting verb believe needs to be used instead of the verb know. thatIssue No. 11: The relative pronoun that needs to be replaced with which.
Issue No. 12: The preposition in needs to be added before which.
music is the only art form that a child can takeIssue No. 13: A more contextually appropriate verb participate needs to be used instead of the verb take. immediately after birth, or even before birth. DoubtlessIssue No. 14: The use of overly confident language like doubtless needs to be avoided in academic writing., thatIssue No. 15: The pronoun that is not needed in this sentence. startingIssue No. 16: The capital letter S needs to be used in Starting at the beginning of the sentence. a musical education for theIssue No. 17: The indefinite article a needs to be used in this sentence.
Click here for Indefinite Article issue
child will beIssue No. 18: The present tense of the verb to be is needed instead of the future tense.
Click here for Tense issue
a crucial step in all aspects of his or her education, because of manyIssue No. 19: The definite article the needs to be used.
Click here for Definite Article issue
benefitsIssue No. 20: The phrase it brings needs to be added after benefits. such asIssue No. 21: A comma needs to be added before the phrase such as.
Click here for Comma issue
developing strong discipline, hearingIssue No. 22: A more contextually appropriate expression listening skills needs to be used instead of hearing. and intelligence.

As a ruleIssue No. 23: The colloquial expression As a rule needs to be avoided in academic writing.
Issue No. 24: The signposting expression Firstly needs to be used at the beginning of the paragraph.
, music classes usuallyIssue No. 25: The claim needs to be mitigated by using the modal verb can instead of the adverb usually.
Click here for Hedging issue
encourageIssue No. 26: A more contextually appropriate verb engender needs to be used instead of the verb encourage. willIssue No. 27: A more contextually appropriate noun phrase strong will needs to be used instead of the noun will. and discipline, thusIssue No. 28: The conjunction thus needs to be preceded by a semicolon in a complex sentence.
Click here for Comma issue
Issue No. 29: The conjunction thus needs to be followed by a comma in a complex sentence.
Click here for Comma issue
for musicians, it is necessary to practice playing constantly,Issue No. 30: The adverb constantly is not appropriate to use in this context.
Issue No. 31: A comma is not needed after constantly.
Click here for Comma issue
regularly, in other wordsIssue No. 32: The information in this clause is redundant and irrelevant.
Click here for Redundancy issue
, without interruption. In winter and summer, even on weekdays and holidaysIssue No. 33: The information in this sentence is redundant and irrelevant.
Click here for Redundancy issue
. AlmostIssue No. 34: The sentence is incomplete and need to include a clear subject and verb.
Issue No. 35: The adverb almost is not needed in the sentence.
with the same tenacity with which championsIssue No. 36: The statement needs to be made more precise by using the adjective sporting before champions. train in the gym and at the rinkIssue No. 37: The information in this clause is redundant.
Click here for Redundancy issue
. Nevertheless, unlike sports heroes, playing the piano, cannot broke neck or leg, or even handIssue No. 38: The claim is not relevant to the main argument in the paragraph.. In fact, playing on instrumentIssue No. 39: The indefinite article an needs to be used in this sentence.
Click here for Indefinite Article issue
is character building, Issue No. 40: A comma is not needed before a dependent clause in a complex sentence.
Click here for Comma issue
without risk of injuryIssue No. 41: The information in this clause is redundant and irrelevant.
Click here for Redundancy issue
Issue No. 42: Some supporting evidence from research needs to be integrated in the paragraph.
Click here for Evidence issue
.

Secondly, music lessons assistanceIssue No. 43: The verb assist rather than the noun assistance needs to be used in this sentence. toIssue No. 44: The preposition to needs to be replaced by the preposition in. evolve hearingIssue No. 45: A more contextually appropriate phrase improving an individual’s listening skills needs to be used.. One argument in support of this fact is that according to the researchIssue No. 46: The information in this clause is redundant.
Click here for Redundancy issue
, “even if a baby was initially not inclined to the music, owing to practice, the child will reveal a hearing ability” (Johnson, 2007)Issue No. 47: It seems this is not a real quotation, or even if it is real, it has so much context taken away that it has become unintelligible.
Click here for In-text Citations issue
. Moreover, each parentIssue No. 48: The plural form of the noun parents needs to be used in this sentence. can take their children to a music school or a specialIssue No. 49: The use of the phrase a special is redundant in this sentence. concert, where afterIssue No. 50: A comma is needed to set off the interrupter phrase.
Click here for Comma issue
the performance, the young viewersIssue No. 51: A more contextually appropriate phrase listeners needs to be used instead of viewers because concert(music) is normally listened to. can try to remove the sound of the unique instrument.Issue No. 52: The claim made in this sentence is not entirely clear and needs to be reworded and/or explained further.

BesidesIssue No. 53: The signposting expression Besides needs to be replaced by Thirdly at the beginning of the paragraph because it introduces the third main point of the essay., musical educationIssue No. 54: The phrase in favour of the utility of music needs to be added to the sentence to make it clearer and more explicit.
Issue No. 55: The introductory phrase needs to be followed by the comma.
Click here for Comma issue
Issue No. 56: The indefinite article a needs to be used before the noun phrase musical education.
Click here for Indefinite Article issue
has a positive domination on the expansion ofIssue No. 57: A more contextually appropriate expression effect on needs to be used in this sentence. intelligence in general. As Dr.Issue No. 58: The use of a person’s title Dr. is not needed in in-text citations.
Click here for In-text Citations issue
Richard (2016)Issue No. 59: The author’s last name rather than first name needs to be used in-text. stateIssue No. 60: The singular form of the verb states needs to used for subject-verb agreement in the sentence. “The earlier a little creaturesIssue No. 61: The singular form of the noun creature needs to be used in the adjective+noun phrase preceded by the indefinite article a. come to grips with music, the more the brain growth will be influenced. ItIssue No. 62: The noun music needs to be added to the quote in order to be more precise and clear what the pronoun it refers to. sets them up for life”. Since, major compositions split into smaller parts, which in turnIssue No. 63: The interrupter phrase in turn needs to be set off a comma before it.
Issue No. 64: The interrupter phrase in turn needs to be set off a comma after it.
Click here for Comma issue
dividedIssue No. 65: The verb to be needs to be used before the main verb in the sentence. into a tinyIssue No. 66: The use of informal descriptive adjectives like tiny needs to be avoided in academic writing. aIssue No. 67: The indefinite article a is not needed to be used before the plural noun phrase fragments and threads.
Click here for Indefinite Article issue
fragments and threads, consisting of miniatureIssue No. 68: The use of informal descriptive adjectives like miniature needs to be avoided in academic writing. phrases and motifs, the brain itself parses and memorizesIssue No. 69: The claim needs to be mitigated by using the modal verb may before the main verb memorize.
Click here for Hedging issue
Issue No. 70: The infinitive form of the verb memorize needs to be used after the modal verb may in this sentence.
allIssue No. 71: The claim needs to be mitigated by using the pronoun some instead of all in this sentence.
Click here for Hedging issue
parts of the compositions. ParadoxicallyIssue No. 72: The signposting expression Paradoxically is not relevant in this context. , butIssue No. 73: The conjunction but is not needed in this sentence. making of melody affects the mental development of the child.Issue No. 74: Earlier in the paragraph the writer was talking about listening to melodies, but in this sentence they seem to be talking about making melodies. There needs to be a clear focus throughout the paragraph.

Sometimes theIssue No. 75: The indefinite article a needs to be used before the noun child in this sentence.
Click here for Indefinite Article issue
child isIssue No. 76: The auxiliary verb to be is not needed in this sentence. categorically refuses to be engaged in music school, Issue No. 77: A comma is not needed before a dependent clause in a complex sentence.
Click here for Comma issue
because of the lack of time forIssue No. 78: The preposition with needs to be used instead of the preposition for. friends, fun and hobbies. Besides, children frequently do not associate their lives with a musical career, so many of these extra classes will interfere for normal childhoodIssue No. 79: The indefinite article a needs to be used before the noun phrase normal childhood.
Click here for Indefinite Article issue
Issue No. 80: The sentence needs to be divided into two shorter sentences to avoid having a run-on sentence.
Click here for Run-on Sentence issue
, whenIssue No. 81: The use of when is not needed in this sentence. childrenIssue No. 82: The capital letter C needs to be used in Children at the beginning of the sentence. want to run around in the yard, climb trees, watch TV, and not to sit all day at the pianoIssue No. 83: The unnecessarily specific phrase at the piano needs to be replaced by a more general expression and play a musical instrument.. On the other handIssue No. 84: The conjunction On the other hand is irrelevant and inappropriate in this sentence. , in order toIssue No. 85: The capital letter I needs to be used in In order to at the beginning of the sentence. avoid those momentsIssue No. 86: A more contextually appropriate expression this situation needs to be used in this sentence. , one of the positive examples ofIssue No. 87: The phrase one of the positive examples of needs to be replaced by a more appropriate phrase. familiarizing the baby toIssue No. 88: The preposition with needs to be used instead of the preposition to. musicIssue No. 89: The mitigated expression may be achieved through needs to be added in the sentence.
Click here for Hedging issue
, is aIssue No. 90: The indefinite article a is not needed to be used before the noun phrase cooperative learning.
Click here for Indefinite Article issue
cooperative learning. For instance, Issue No. 94: The types of activities need to be specified in the sentence. with mother, when she can be also involved in music as well as her daughterIssue No. 91: A more contextually appropriate statement parents may play with their children needs to be used in this sentence. , and perform tasksIssue No. 92: A more contextually appropriate noun activities needs to be used instead of tasks. together, creating a variety of exciting game momentsIssue No. 93: The phrase creating a variety of exciting game moments uses some emotional vocabulary which needs to be avoided in academic writing. .

To learn or not to learn,Issue No. 95: A comma is not needed after to learn or not to learn in this sentence.
Click here for Comma issue
itIssue No. 96: The pronoun it is not needed in this sentence. is only a child’s decisionIssue No. 97: A more appropriate and formal expression the decision made by the child needs to be used in this sentence., but to teach or not to teach, itIssue No. 98: The pronoun it is not needed in this sentence. will dependIssue No. 99: The present simple tense needs to be used in this sentence rather than future tense in order to adhere to the sequence of tenses. on his or herIssue No. 100: The definite article the needs to be used in this sentence.
Click here for Definite Article issue
parents. If people want their children willIssue No. 101: The to+infinitive needs to be used after the verb want in this sentence. be wealthy and emotionally saturated, if they want their child to become successful, fully developed, motivated, and happy, parents should give young people this opportunity. Ability to play on their favorite musical instruments and enjoy learning.Issue No. 102: It is not entirely clear how the writer can conclude about wealth and emotional stability since these were not mentioned in the main body of the essay.

References:Issue No. 103: A number of issues were identified with the use of sources in this essay: 1. More than two sources should have been included in the Reference list. 2. The writer should have used some academic sources, i.e., from books and peer-reviewed journals, in addition to the websites. 3. The last name of the author followed by the first name initial need to be given in the Reference list. The first source in the list seems to begin with the first name and does not contain the author’s last name. 4. The second source in the Reference list has not been cited in the essay; therefore, it needs to be excluded.

Dr. Richard (2016). Volunteer for Social Change. Eleven Facts About Music Education. Available from https://www.dosomething.org/facts/11-facts-about-music-education [Accessed 30 October 2016].

Letts, R., and Johnson, C. (2016). Schoolatoz. Good reasons why your child should study music. Available from http://www.sch?olat?z.nsw.edu.au/homework-and-study/other-subjects-and-projects/the-arts/why-your-child-should-study-music [Accessed 30 October 2016].

Activities:

Question 1:
Which of the essay paragraphs fails to include in-text citations?

A: Paragraph 2Correct: The evidence from previous research is missing in the paragraph and needs to be included in order to substantiate the claims made by the writer.

B: Paragraph 3Incorrect: This paragraph has a citation from Johnson (2007); however, its meaning is not entirely clear and it needs to be expanded.

C: Paragraph 4Incorrect: This paragraph has a citation from Richard (2016); however, the author’s last name should have been used instead of the first name and the use of the author’s title should have been avoided.

Question 2:
In which of the essay paragraphs does the writer use signposting most effectively?

A: Paragraph 3Correct: At the beginning of the paragraph, the writer has used the signposting expression Secondly to introduce the second main point of the essay. Also, the expression Moreover has been used skilfully in the paragraph.

B: Paragraph 4Incorrect: In this paragraph, the expression Besides needs to be replaced by Thirdly which is more appropriate to introduce the third argument. The expression Paradoxically has also been used inappropriately in this context because no contradiction is introduced in that sentence.

C: Paragraph 5Incorrect: In this paragraph, some signposting phrases have been skilfully used (e.g., Besides, For instance). However, the expression On the other hand is not particularly relevant and needs to be replaced by a different linking word or phrase.

Question 3:
What is the main issue with the concluding paragraph of the essay?

A: It is too short and needs to be expandedIncorrect: The concluding paragraph consists of three sentences, which is acceptable in academic essays.

B: It fails to include citations and evidenceIncorrect: The concluding paragraph is not supposed to include citations and evidence. Its main purpose is to restate the thesis statement and summarise the main arguments of the essay.

C: It includes some new information which was not included in the main body of the essayCorrect: In this paragraph, the writer talks about wealth and emotional stability, which was never mentioned earlier in the essay. It is important for the conclusion to focus only on the points already covered in the main body and not introduce any new information.

Question 4:
Identify the problem with the in-text citation used in the fourth paragraph of the essay.

A: It is a direct quotation, and direct quotes are not acceptable in academic writingIncorrect: The use of direct quotations is acceptable in academic writing as long it acknowledges the source correctly and as long as not too many direct quotations have been used in the essay.

B: It uses the author’s title and first nameCorrect: The use of Dr. is not needed in citations. Also, Richard seems to be the first name rather than the last name of the author. Remember to mention only the author’s last name in text.

C: It is too long and, therefore, needs to be indentedIncorrect: This quotation is not overly long and does not require indentation. Normally, indentation is needed for quotations that exceed 30 words or are longer that three lines.