1. The essay has a clear structure- it consists of an introduction, three main body paragraphs and a conclusion.
2. The thesis statement gives a clear account of the three main points that are logically developed in each body paragraph.
3. Linking words and phrases are used skilfully between sentences to help to achieve cohesion and clarity in the essay.
4. Research-based evidence is particularly well-integrated in the first and second paragraphs of the essay.
Strengths:
Weaknesses:
1. The 3rd and the 4th paragraphs of the essay need a clear topic sentence to be stated at the beginning. Otherwise, it is not entirely clear which solution the writer is talking about in each of these paragraphs.
2. The third paragraph of the essay does not contain any research-based evidence. It is important to integrate some evidence, examples and/or statistics to back up the main point made in the paragraph.
3. The concluding sentences in the 3rd, 4th and 5th paragraphs of the essay are not entirely clear and need to be rephrased and/or expanded. 4. Several instances of redundancy and wordiness were observed in the essay, e.g., in the first sentence of the essay, the writer says: Currently, poverty is one of the main global problems among all countries of the world. The writer should be concise and avoid using unnecessary words and phrases. Since global means “relating to the whole world”, the phrase among all countries of the world should be avoided.
Problem Solution Essay One:
How to reduce level of poverty in Africa?
Currently poverty is one of the main global problems among all countries of the world. Despite the fact that the international community has already created several solutions, in Africa it is still a major issue. According to latest World Bank estimates, the share of Africans who are living under the poverty line is about 43% (2012); however, because of population growth more and more people are becoming poor. Poverty is a significant problem in Africa, however it could be solved in three ways: reducing level of corruption in local government, improving educational system to create qualified staff and developing economy by international investments and good management.
The first solution to the problem of poverty in Africa is decreasing the level of corruption in local authorities. The large number of African citizens, about 58%, claim that corruption has increased over the past year (People and Corruption: Africa Survey, 2015). Unstable situation on continent is contributing to the growth of corruption rate. By stabilizing situation and creating anticorruption committees Africa can liquidate the issue of venal government officials. Furthermore, solving this problem will firstly provide Africa with wherewithal to close “budget holes” and secondly it conduces to create more enterprises without fear of being closed.
In Africa educational system is undeveloped and cannot supply countries with required professionals. This led continent in to the abyss of poverty and illiteracy. Nevertheless, through getting international support and activity of charity organizations African local authorities could form base to create educational system. As a result of developing level of study continent could receive high qualified stuff. It is impossible to find many high qualified teachers, therefore governments should develop the education system step by step based on other countries’ experiences.
“Africa is not poor; it is poorly managed”- mentioned Ellen Johnson Sirleaf, the President of Liberia (interview for BBC, 2009). According to the words of president it is clearly shown that African poverty is provided not just from corruption and lack of education. Problem of shortage of qualified employees is exacerbating situation with management. This issue repels investors out of Africa and create crisis of investments. By creating high vocational management system Africa could get large amount of finances for further developing their economy.
In conclusion it is necessary to mention that Africa has the largest level of poverty; however there are several solutions to the certain problem. As it was said before the reduction of corruption rate would have great influence on problem solving process. Also reforming educational system with successive increasing of investment will give to countries more professional employees. Establish perfect government management system and increase of international investment this is the main solution of the problem, however it could not be implement, unless previous decisions would not become real. In this occasion only problem of poverty in Africa could be solved.
References
The World Bank. (2016).Poverty in a rising Africa: While Poverty in Africa Has Declined, Number of Poor Has Increased. London: The World Bank Group. Available from http://www.worldbank.org/en/region/afr/publication/poverty-rising-africa-poverty-report [Accessed 23 October 2016].
Sanders, Ch. (2015).Corruption in Africa: 75 million people pay bribes. London: Transparency International. Available from http://www.transparency.org/news/feature/corruption_in_africa_75_million_people_pay_bribes [Accessed 23 October 2016].
Problem Solution Essay One:
How to reduce levelIssue No. 1: The definite article the needs to be used before the phrase level of poverty.
Click here for Definite Article issue of poverty in Africa?
Legend:
Idea Development Academic Style Grammatical Accuracy Lexical Appropriacy Source Use Macrostructure Spelling Accuracy Punctuation Accuracy
CurrentlyIssue No. 2: A comma is needed after the introductory phrase Currently at the beginning of the sentence.
Click here for Comma issue poverty is one of the main global problems among all countries of the world.Issue No. 3: The phrase among all countries of the world is redundant because the adjective global has been used in this sentence.
Click here for Redundancy issue Despite the fact that the international community has already created several solutions, in Africa itIssue No. 4: A more precise noun poverty needs to be used instead of the pronoun it in the sentence. is still a major issue. According to latestIssue No. 5: The definite article the needs to be added before the superlative adjective latest.
Click here for Definite Article issue World Bank estimates, the shareIssue No. 6: A more appropriate formal noun proportion needs to be used instead of the noun share in this sentence. of Africans who are living under the poverty line is about 43% (2012); however, because of population growth more and more people are becoming poor. Poverty is a significant problem in Africa, however it could be solved in three waysIssue No. 7: The structure of the thesis statement needs to be revised in order to make it more focused.: reducingIssue No. 8: The signposting expression firstly by needs to be added before the first main point in the thesis statement. level of corruption in local government, improvingIssue No. 9: The signposting expression secondly by needs to added before the second main point in the thesis statement. educational systemIssue No. 11: An appropriate collocation education system needs to be used here before the phrase educational system is non-existent.
Issue No. 12: The plural form of the noun systems should be used here. to create qualifiedIssue No. 13: The word more needs to be added before the adjective qualified in order to avoid the assumption that in the past they were not qualified at all. staffIssue No. 14: A more general word individuals needs to be used in this context instead of a very specific word staff. and developingIssue No. 10: The signposting expression thirdly by needs to be added before the third main point in the thesis statement. economyIssue No. 15: The plural form of the noun economies should be used here. byIssue No. 16: The preposition via needs to be used instead of the preposition by in this sentence. decreasingIssue No. 17: A more appropriate verb lowering needs to be used instead of decreasing in this sentence. international investments and good management.
The first solution to the problem of poverty in Africa is decreasing the level of corruption in local authorities.Issue No. 18: A more specific noun government needs to be used instead of authorities in this sentence. TheIssue No. 19: The indefinite article a is needed in a phrase A large number of.
Click here for Indefinite Article issue large number of African citizens, about 58%, claim that corruption has increased over the past year (People and Corruption: Africa Survey, 2015). Unstable situationIssue No. 20: The pronoun This needs to be used at the beginning of the sentence to make the claim more coherent and clear.
Issue No. 21: The lower case letter u is needed in the word unstable because this word is no longer the first word in the sentence. on continent is contributing to the growth of corruption rate.Issue No. 22: The definite article the needs to be used before the noun phrase corruption rate.
Click here for Definite Article issue By stabilizingIssue No. 23: The word stabilizing needs to be spelled as stabilising. In the interest of consistency, American English spelling should be replacing with the British English spelling. situationIssue No. 24: The definite article the needs to be used before the noun situation.
Click here for Definite Article issue and creating anticorruption committees Issue No. 25: A comma is needed after the dependent clause in this sentence.
Click here for Comma issueAfrica can liquidateIssue No. 26: The verb address is needed in the collocation address the issue. the issue of venalIssue No. 27: A more common word corrupt needs to be used instead of a less common word venal because people might not know what it means. government officials. Furthermore, solving this problem will firstly Issue No. 28: A comma is needed after the signposting expression firstly in the middle of the sentence.
Click here for Comma issueprovide Africa with wherewithalIssue No. 29: A more appropriate academic word ability needs to be used here. to close “budget holes” and secondly Issue No. 30: A comma is needed after the signposting expression secondly in the middle of the sentence.
Click here for Comma issueit conduces to createIssue No. 31: The structure of the sentence needs some revision. more enterprisesIssue No. 32: A more common word businesses should be used instead of a less common enterprises in this sentence. without fear of being closed.Issue No. 33: The structure of the sentence needs some revision.
In Africa Issue No. 34: A comma is needed after the introductory phrase In Africa at the beginning of the sentence.
Click here for Comma issueeducational systemIssue No. 35: The definite article the needs to be used before the noun phrase education system.
Click here for Definite Article issue
Issue No. 36: An appropriate collocation education system needs to be used here before the phrase educational system is non-existent. is undeveloped and cannot supply countries with requiredIssue No. 37: The definite article the needs to be used here. professionals.Issue No. 38: The phrase numbers of is needed before professionals in this sentence. This ledIssue No. 39: The present perfect tense of the verb needs to be used instead of the past simple tense.
Click here for Tense issue continentIssue No. 40: The definite article the needs to be used before the noun continent.
Click here for Definite Article issue in toIssue No. 41: The preposition into needs to be used instead of the prepositions in to in this sentence. the abyss ofIssue No. 42: The emotive expression the abyss of should not be avoided in academic writing.
Click here for Emotive Language issue poverty and illiteracy. Nevertheless, through gettingIssue No. 43: The word getting should not be used in this sentence. international support and activity of charity organizationsIssue No. 44: The definite article the needs to be used here.
Click here for Definite Article issue
Issue No. 45: The word organizations needs to be spelled as organisations. In the interest of consistency, American English spelling should be replacing with the British English spelling.
Issue No. 46: A more appropriate word charitable needs to be used in the noun phrase charitable organisations. African local authorities could form base Issue No. 48: The preposition of needs to be used after the noun base in this sentence.to createIssue No. 47: The use of the verb to create is redundant in this sentence.
Click here for Redundancy issue educational system.Issue No. 49: The claim should be made more precise by adding the determiner a strong before the noun phrase education system.
Issue No. 50: An appropriate collocation education system needs to be used here before the phrase educational system is non-existent. As a result of developing level of studyIssue No. 51: A more appropriate collocation levels of education needs to be used instead of level of study. continentIssue No. 52: A comma is needed after the dependent clause in this sentence.
Click here for Comma issue could receiveIssue No. 53: A more appropriate verb develop needs to be used instead of the verb receive in this sentence. high qualified stuff.Issue No. 54: The inappropriate word stuff needs to be replaced by workers in this sentence.
The claim should be backed up by using some research-based evidence in the form of an in-text citation.
Click here for Evidence issue It is impossible to find many high qualified teachersIssue No. 56: The claim needs to be more precise and clear by stating in Africa after teachers in this sentence.,Issue No. 57: The semicolon needs to be used before the conjunction therefore in a compound sentence. therefore Issue No. 58: A comma needs to be used after the conjunction therefore in a compound sentence.
Click here for Comma issuegovernments should develop theIssue No. 59: The claim should be made more precise by using the phrase their country’s. education system step by step based on other countries’ experiences.Issue No. 60: It is not entirely clear what the writer intended to say here. They need to be more specific.
“Africa is not poor; it is poorly managed”- mentionedIssue No. 61: The direct quotation should not appear at the very beginning of the paragraph.
Issue No. 62: The quotation needs to be used after introducing the name of the president at the beginning of the sentence.
Click here for In-text Citations issue Ellen Johnson Sirleaf, the President of Liberia (interviewIssue No. 63: The use of the phrase the interview is not needed in parentheses at the end of the citation.
Click here for In-text Citations issue for BBC, 2009). According toIssue No. 64: The phrase Given should be used instead of According to in this sentence.
Click here for In-text Citations issue the words of president it is clearly shownIssue No. 65: The claim needs to be mitigated by using a hedging expression possible.
Click here for Hedging issue that African poverty is providedIssue No. 66: A more appropriate verb extends is needed in this sentence. not just from corruption and lack of education. ProblemIssue No. 67: The definite article the is needed before the noun problem.
Click here for Definite Article issue of shortageIssue No. 68: The definite article the is needed before the noun phrase shortage of qualified employees.
Click here for Definite Article issue of qualified employees is exacerbating situation withIssue No. 69: The phrase with regards to needs to be used in this sentence. management.Issue No. 70: It is not entirely clear what the writer means when they talk about management. They needs to be more precise here. This issue repelsIssue No. 71: A more appropriate verb deters rather than repels is needed in this sentence. investors out ofIssue No. 72: The preposition from needs to be used instead of the preposition out of. Africa and createIssue No. 73: The singular form of the verb creates is needed to establish subject-verb agreement. crisisIssue No. 74: The indefinite article a is needed before the phrase crisis of investment.
Click here for Indefinite Article issue of investmentsIssue No. 75: The singular form of the noun investment needs to be used in this sentence. . Issue No. 76: It is not entirely clear what the writer intended to say here. They need to be more specific.By creating high vocational management system Issue No. 77: A comma is needed after the dependent clause in this sentence.
Click here for Comma issueAfrica could getIssue No. 78: A more appropriate formal verb receive needs to be used instead of the verb get in this sentence. largeIssue No. 79: The indefinite article a needs to be used before the phrase large amount.
Click here for Indefinite Article issue amount of financesIssue No. 80: The singular form of the noun finance needs to be used here. for further developing their economy.
In conclusion it is necessary to mention thatIssue No. 81: The use of a wordy phrase it is necessary to mention that should be avoided in this sentence.
Click here for Wordiness issue Africa has the largest level of poverty;Issue No. 82: The claim needs to be made more precise and clear my adding the phrase amongst all inhabited continents. however Issue No. 83: A comma needs to be used after the conjunction however in a compound sentence.
Click here for Comma issuethere are several solutions to the certainIssue No. 84: The adjective certain is redundant in this sentence.
Click here for Redundancy issue problem. As it was said beforeIssue No. 85: A more concise expression As mentioned above should be used here.
Click here for Wordiness issue theIssue No. 86: A comma is needed after the introductory phrase at the beginning of the sentence.
Click here for Comma issue reduction of corruption rateIssue No. 87: The noun rate is redundant in this sentence.
Click here for Redundancy issue would have great influence on problem solving processIssue No. 88: A more precise phrase reducing poverty needs to be used in this sentence.. AlsoIssue No. 89: A comma is needed after the cohesive expression Also at the beginning of the sentence.
Click here for Comma issue reformingIssue No. 90: The definite article the needs to be used before reforming in this sentence.
Click here for Definite Article issue educational system withIssue No. 91: The conjunction and needs to be used instead of the preposition with in this sentence. successiveIssue No. 92: The adjective successive is redundant in this sentence.
Click here for Redundancy issue increasing ofIssue No. 93: No preposition of should be used after increasing in this sentence. investmentIssue No. 94: It needs to be made clear that investment in education is meant here. Therefore, the phrase in it should be used after investment. willIssue No. 95: The modal verb would rather than will is needed because the writer is hypothesising about the future rather than stating definite facts. give to countries more professional employees. EstablishIssue No. 96: The gerund form Establishing is needed because it acts as a subject in this sentence. perfectIssue No. 97: A more appropriate phrase more efficient needs to be used instead of a strong adjective perfect in this sentence. government management systemIssue No. 98: The phrase management system is redundant in this sentence.
Click here for Redundancy issue and increaseIssue No. 99: The gerund form increasing is needed because it acts as a subject in this sentence. ofIssue No. 100: The preposition of should not be used after increasing in this sentence. international investment this isIssue No. 101: The structure of the sentence needs to be revised by replacing this is with is. the mainIssue No. 102: A more appropriate and less strong phrase another should be used instead of the main in this sentence. solution ofIssue No. 103: The preposition to needs to be used instead of the preposition of in this sentence. the problem, however itIssue No. 104: The structure of the sentence needs to be revised by replacing it with this. could not be implementIssue No. 105: The passive form of the verb needs to be used here., Issue No. 106: A comma should not be used before a dependent clause in a complex sentence.
Click here for Comma issue unless previous decisions would not become real.Issue No. 107: It is not entirely clear what the writer intended to say here. They need to be more specific. InIssue No. 108: The preposition On should be used in a set phrase On this occasion only. this occasion only problem of poverty in Africa could be solved.Issue No. 109: It is not entirely clear what the writer intended to say here. They need to be more specific.
ReferencesIssue No. 110: The following issues with referencing have been identified in this essay: 1. All sources cited in the essay must be included in the References. Some sources cited in this essay (e.g., BBC (2009)) are missing from the References. 2. All sources in the References must be cited at least once in the essay. No sources given in the References are cited in this essay. 3. The sources should be arranged alphabetically by the last name of the author or, if there is no individual author, the name of the organisation. 4. The referencing details given in text should match with the details in the References. In this essay, the report by the World Bank was published in 2012 (in the in-text citation), but it appears as World Bank (2016) in the References. 5. Authors’ last names should be followed by only the first name initials, i.e., the first letter of the first name. The second source in the References is given as: Sanders, Ch. instead of Sanders, C.
The World Bank. (2016).Poverty in a rising Africa: While Poverty in Africa Has Declined, Number of Poor Has Increased. London: The World Bank Group. Available from http://www.worldbank.org/en/region/afr/publication/poverty-rising-africa-poverty-report [Accessed 23 October 2016].
Sanders, Ch. (2015).Corruption in Africa: 75 million people pay bribes. London: Transparency International. Available from http://www.transparency.org/news/feature/corruption_in_africa_75_million_people_pay_bribes [Accessed 23 October 2016].
Activities:
Question 1:
According to the thesis statement, i.e., the sentence that states the main idea of the essay, how many main points will the essay consist of?
A: One main pointIncorrect: The thesis statement clearly outlines the three main points, which are as follows: 1. reducing level of corruption in local government; 2. improving education systems to create more qualified individuals; and 3. developing economies via international investments and good management.
B: Two main pointsIncorrect: The thesis statement clearly outlines the three main points, which are as follows: 1. reducing level of corruption in local government; 2. improving education systems to create more qualified individuals; and 3. developing economies via international investments and good management.
C: Three main pointsCorrect: The thesis statement clearly outlines the three main points, which are as follows: 1. reducing level of corruption in local government; 2. improving education systems to create more qualified individuals; and 3. developing economies via international investments and good management.
Question 2:
Which of the essay paragraphs has a more effective topic sentence, i.e., a sentence that expresses the main idea of the paragraph?
A: Paragraph 2Correct: The topic sentence is clearly stated at the beginning of the paragraph: The first solution to the problem of poverty in Africa is lowering the level of corruption in local government.
B: Paragraph 3Incorrect: The topic sentence in this paragraph needs some revision. The main point is overall clear in the first sentence of the paragraph: In Africa, the education system is undeveloped and cannot supply countries with the required numbers of professionals. However, this sentence could be made more efficient by phrasing it as a solution rather than as a weakness, i.e., Another potential way to solve the problem of poverty in Africa is by developing the system of education and increasing the number of professionals.
C: Paragraph 4Incorrect: The topic sentence is missing in this paragraph. Rather than starting the paragraph with a direct quotation, the writer could have stated the main point, i.e., developing economies in Africa via international investments.
Question 3:
Which of the essay paragraphs requires some use of research-based evidence?
A: Paragraph 1Incorrect: This paragraph contains some research-based evidence from the World Bank. Being an introductory paragraph of the essay, paragraph 1, generally, does not require the integration of further evidence.
B: Paragraph 2Incorrect: This paragraph contains some evidence from the survey on increasing corruption rate in Africa.
C: Paragraph 3Correct: No research-based evidence has been used by the writer in this paragraph. Some evidence in the form of examples and/or statistics needs to be included.
Question 4:
What is the main problem with referencing (both in text and in the reference list) in this essay?
A: Mismatch in the sources cited in the essay and the sources included in the References section at the end of the essay.Correct: None of the sources cited in the essay are included in the References and the other way round. This is the main problem with the use of sources in this essay which needs to be avoided in academic writing.
B: Mainly outdated sources used in this essay.Incorrect: This is not an issue in this essay because most sources used by the writer were published in the last five years, i.e., very current.
C: Only direct quotations used by the writer in this essay.Incorrect: This is not an issue in this essay because the writer has used both direct quotations and paraphrased/summarised some information form the literature.