1. The essay has a clear structure- it consists of an introduction, three main body paragraphs and a conclusion.
2. The thesis statement gives a clear account of the three main points that are logically developed in each body paragraph.
3. Each body paragraph has a concise and clear topic sentence that states the main idea of the paragraph.
4. Linking words and phrases are used skilfully between paragraphs to help to achieve cohesion and clarity of the argument in the essay.
Strengths:
Weaknesses:
1. Some claims made by the writer do not logically follow from the claims stated earlier in the paragraph, e.g., the last sentence of the 3rd paragraph.
2. The writer should have used integral citations, i.e., integrating integrate the name of the cited author within the paragraph, more frequently in the essay rather than putting the referencing details in parentheses at the end of the sentence, e.g., paragraphs 2, 3 and 4.
3. The writer should have mitigated some of their claims by using appropriate hedging language, e.g., may, might, or could.
4. The writer should have used the grammatical articles and prepositions more accurately in the essay.
Problem Solution Essay Four:
The problem of anorexia in adolescence
Over the past years, the number of teenagers who suffers from eating disorders, especially anorexia nervosa had increased. Usually it has three main causes: biological, psychological and social. All three factors are closely linked and can lead to self-starvation. This poses a major problem, because as Hoek (2006) pointed out anorexia nervosa has the highest mortality rate of any psychiatric disorders in adolescence (cited in Morris and Twaddle, 2007). Despite the fact that anorexia is a widespread disease which can lead to death, government and individuals can tackle this issue by implementing three possible solutions: psychotherapy, nutrition therapy and primary prevention.
One way to deal with anorexia problem is psychological help. Eating disorder is first of all a psychological problem which means it is in one’s mind. In some cases it can be detected in the early stages of the disease by stress level, loss of appetite and weight. Therefore, it is said that “a single consultation about eating behavior, weight and shape concerns is a strong predictor of the subsequent emergence of anorexia nervosa” (Nicholls, Hadson and Mahomed, 2011, p978). While some might say that a simple conversation cannot help for preventing self-starvation, it is still useful for understanding and estimating teenager’s self-confidence and stress management.
Another logical method of fighting with anorexia is reinstitution of nutrition. Taking into account both psychical and psychological stability, it is suggested to take these steps slowly. Recommended speed of weight recovery may vary from 10 to 60 kcal/day up to nearer 70-100 kcal/kg/day depending on the age of the patient (Nicholls, Hadson and Mahomed, 2011). Some people might argue that reinstitution of nutrition can cause metabolic disturbance, which is so-called “re-feeding syndrome”. However, there can be no progress in the treatment without attempting to restore weight. Therefore, it is appears possible that health insurance companies will provide more guidance on nutrition issues.
Finally, the last and effective long-term solution for anorexia disease is preventive maintenance. Since adolescence is a period when young people are the most susceptible to influence, school is the perfect place to organize healthy eating behavior for their students. In addition, this decision is the most reasonable because teachers can help students to develop their self-esteem, healthy body image and educate them about importance of balanced nutrition and physical activities (Massey-Stokes, 2000). If this were to happen the outcome would be an educated person with realistic goals and positive self-esteem connected to other factors than only body weight and appearance.
To conclude, anorexia is a current problem of our century, the relevance of which is increasing every year. The suggested solutions are not easy to implement as it will be difficult to encourage government to pay more attention to mental health of students. It will be also challenging for ministry of healthcare to assist in spreading information about healthy nutrition. However, when health-care system and individuals themselves will realize the importance of these solutions, they will experience success in preventing anorexia nervosa beforehand or at least contributing for early treatment. These implementations could change society’s view on self-starvation problem.
References
Morris, J. and Twaddle, S. (2007). Anorexia nervosa. BMJ, 334(7599). Available from http://www.jstor.org/stable/20507010 [Accessed 19 October 2016]
Massey-Stokes, M. (2000). Prevention of Disordered Eating among Adolescents. The Clearing House: A Journal of Educational Strategies, Issues and Ideas, 73(6), pp.335-340. Available from http://www.jstor.org/stable/30189613 [Accessed 23 October 2016]
Nicholls, D., Hudson, L. and Mahomed, F. (2010). Managing anorexia nervosa. Archives of Disease in Childhood, 96(10), p978. Available from http://search.proquest.com/docview/1828805265/9BF718D7E7D84059PQ/3?accountid=144686 [Accessed 19 October 2016]
Problem Solution Essay Four:
The problem of anorexia in adolescenceIssue No. 1: No full stop should be used in the essay title because it is a phrase rather than a sentence.
Legend:
Idea Development Academic Style Grammatical Accuracy Lexical Appropriacy Source Use Macrostructure Spelling Accuracy Punctuation Accuracy
Over theIssue No. 2: No definite article the should be used in this sentence. pastIssue No. 3: A more appropriate adjective recent should be used instead of past in this sentence. years, the number of teenagers who suffersIssue No. 4: The plural form of the verb suffer needs to be used in this sentence. from eating disorders, especially anorexia nervosa hadIssue No. 5: The present perfect tense of the verb is needed instead of the past perfect because the writer is talking about changes until present time.
Click here for Tense issue increased. Usually it has three main causesIssue No. 6: The adverb usually is redundant in this sentence.: biological, psychological and social. All three factors are closely linked and can lead to self-starvationIssue No. 7: A more appropriate phrase starvation of oneself should be used instead of self-starvation.. This poses a major problem, Issue No. 9: A comma should not be used before because in a complex sentence.
Click here for Comma issuebecause as Hoek (2006)Issue No. 10: A comma needs to be added to set off the interrupter phrase in the middle of the sentence.
Click here for Comma issue pointed outIssue No. 8: The present simple tense of the reporting verb points out should be used in this sentence.
Click here for In-text Citations issue
Issue No. 11: A comma needs to be added to set off the interrupter phrase in the middle of the sentence.
Click here for Comma issue anorexia nervosa has the highest mortality rate of any psychiatric disordersIssue No. 12: The singular form of the noun disorder needs to be used in this sentence. in adolescence (cited in Morris and Twaddle, 2007). Despite the fact that anorexia is a widespread disease which can lead to death, governmentIssue No. 13: The plural form of the noun governments is needed because, in this sentence, it is used to refer to governments in general rather that a specific government. and individuals can tackle this issue by implementing three possible solutions: psychotherapy, nutrition therapy and primary prevention.
One way to deal with anorexia problemIssue No. 14: The noun problem is redundant in this sentence because anorexia itself is a problem.
Click here for Redundancy issue is psychological helpIssue No. 15: The preposition through needs to be used before the noun phrase psychological help.. Eating disorderIssue No. 16: The plural form of the noun disorders should be used in this sentence. isIssue No. 17: The plural form of the verb to be is needed to establish subject-verb agreement in the sentence. first of allIssue No. 18: A more concise cohesive expression primarily should be used in the middle of this sentence.
Click here for Wordiness issue a psychological problem which means it is in one’s mindIssue No. 19: The phrase which means it is in one’s mind is redundant because the noun phrase psychological problem has been used.
Click here for Redundancy issue. In some casesIssue No. 20: A comma is needed after the introductory phrase at the beginning of the sentence.
Click here for Comma issue itIssue No. 21: A more precise and clear word anorexia is needed in this sentence. can be detected in the early stages of the diseaseIssue No. 22: The phrase of the disease is redundant in this sentence.
Click here for Redundancy issue byIssue No. 23: The preposition through needs to be used instead of by in this sentence. Issue No. 24: The claim needs to be made more precise by adding the word noticing higher. stress level, loss of appetite and weightIssue No. 25: The claim needs to be made more precise by adding the word decreasing before weight.. Therefore, it is said that “a single consultation about eating behavior, weight and shape concerns is a strong predictor of the subsequent emergence of anorexia nervosa” (Nicholls, HadsonIssue No. 26: The spelling of one of the author’s name Hadson is inaccurate.
Click here for In-text Citations issue and Mahomed, 2011Issue No. 27: The year of publication cited in the essay does not match with the year of publication in the References and needs to be checked for accuracy.
Click here for In-text Citations issue, p978Issue No. 28: The full stop is needed after page number p. in the parentheses.). While some might say that a simple conversation cannot help forIssue No. 29: The preposition in needs to be used instead of the preposition for in this sentence. preventing self-starvationIssue No. 30: The noun anorexia is needed instead of a non-existent noun self-starvation., it is still useful for understanding and estimatingIssue No. 31: A more appropriate word evaluating is needed in this sentence. teenager’s self-confidenceIssue No. 32: The indefinite article a needs to be used before a singular noun phrase teenager’s self-confidence.
Click here for Indefinite Article issue and stress management.
Another logicalIssue No. 33: The use of evaluative language should generally be avoided in the topic sentence, and logical is not an appropriate word to use in this context. method of fighting withIssue No. 34: A more appropriate academic verb combatting should be used instead of the phrasal verb fighting with. anorexia is reinstitution of nutritionIssue No. 35: The definite article the is needed before the noun phrase in this sentence.
Click here for Definite Article issue. Taking into account both psychical and psychological stability, it is suggested to take theseIssue No. 36: The use of these is redundant in this sentence.
Click here for Redundancy issue steps slowly. Recommended speedIssue No. 37:
Click here for Definite Article issue
Issue No. 38: The lower case letter r needs to be used in the word recommended because it is no longer the first word in the sentence. of weight recovery may vary from 10 to 60 kcal/day up to nearer 70-100 kcal/kg/day depending on the age of the patient (Nicholls, HadsonIssue No. 39: The spelling of one of the author’s name Hadson is inaccurate.
Click here for In-text Citations issue and Mahomed, 2011Issue No. 40: The year of publication cited in the essay does not match with the year of publication in the References and needs to be checked for accuracy.
Click here for In-text Citations issue). Some people might argue that reinstitution of nutrition can cause metabolic disturbance, which is so-called “re-feeding syndromeIssue No. 41: The definite article the is needed before the noun phrase in this sentence.
Click here for Definite Article issue”. However, there can be no progress in the treatment without attempting to restore weight.Issue No. 42: The claim does not logically follow from the previous discussion in the paragraph. Therefore, it is appears possible that health insurance companies will provide more guidance on nutrition issues.
Finally, the last and effective long-term solutionIssue No. 43: The indefinite article an needs to be used before a singular noun phrase in the sentence.
Click here for In-text Citations issue for anorexia diseaseIssue No. 44: The noun disease is redundant in this sentence because anorexia itself is a disease.
Click here for Redundancy issue is preventive maintenance. Since adolescence is a period when young people are the most susceptible to influenceIssue No. 45: The claim needs to be made more precise and clear by adding the adjective external before influence., school is the perfect place to organize healthy eating behavior forIssue No. 46: The preposition among needs to be used instead of the preposition for in this sentence. their students. In addition, this decisionIssue No. 47: A more appropriate word pathway should be used in this sentence. is the most reasonable becauseIssue No. 48: The conjunction as is more appropriate to use in this sentence than because. teachers can help students to develop their self-esteem, healthy body image and educate them about importance of balanced nutrition and physical activities (Massey-Stokes, 2000). If this were to happenIssue No. 49: A comma needs to be used after the dependent clause in this sentence.
Click here for Comma issue the outcome would be an educated person with realistic goals and positive self-esteem connected to other factors than only body weight and appearance.
To conclude, anorexia is a current problem ofIssue No. 50: The phrase of our century is redundant because the adjective current has been used in the sentence.
Click here for Redundancy issue our century, the relevance of which is increasing every year. The suggestedIssue No. 51: A more precise adjective above-suggested should be used in this sentence. solutions are not easy to implement as it will be difficult to encourage governmentIssue No. 52: The plural form of the noun governments is needed because, in this sentence, it is used to refer to governments in general rather that a specific government. to pay more attention to mental healthIssue No. 53: The definite article the is needed before the noun phrase in this sentence.
Click here for Definite Article issue of students. It will be also challenging for ministryIssue No. 54: The definite article the is needed before the noun phrase in this sentence.
Click here for Definite Article issue of healthcareIssue No. 55: A more appropriate noun health should be used in the noun phrase ministry of health. to assist in spreading information about healthy nutrition. However, when health-careIssue No. 56: The definite article the is needed before the noun phrase in this sentence.
Click here for Definite Article issue
Issue No. 57: The word health-care needs to be spelled as one word healthcare. system and individuals themselves will realizeIssue No. 58: The present simple tense of the verb realize needs to be used in the dependent clause of the sentence rather than the future simple tense.
Click here for Tense issue the importance of these solutions, they willIssue No. 59: The claim needs to be mitigated by using a hedging phrase may before the main verb in the sentence.
Click here for Hedging issue experience success in preventing anorexia nervosa beforehandIssue No. 60: The claim needs to be made more precise and clear by using the phrase before its full emergence. or at least contributing for early treatment. These implementationsIssue No. 61: A more appropriate noun solutions should be used instead of implementations in this sentence. could change society’s view on self-starvation problemIssue No. 62: The problem of anorexia should be used instead of a non-existent phrase self-starvation problem..
ReferencesIssue No. 63: The following issues with referencing have been identified in this essay: 1. The sources in the References should be arranged alphabetically by the last name of the authors. In this essay, Massey-Stokes (2000) needs to appear before Morris and Twaddle (2007). 2. The referencing details given in text should match with the details in the References. In this essay, the name of one of the co-authors is spelled as Hadson in text, but as Hudson in the References. In addition, the year of publication of the source by Nicholls, Hudson, and Mahomed is 2011 in text but 2010 in the References. 3. The names of the journals are supposed to be italicized while the names of the journal articles are not. In the reference by Morris and Twaddle (2007), the name of the article appears in italics while it should not be italicized. In the same reference, the name of the journal BMJ is not italicized while it should be. 4. There is lack of consistency in the capitalisation of the words in the titles of the articles. For example, in the source by Morris and Twaddle (2007) as well as in the source by Nicholls, Hudson, and Mahomed (2010), only the first word in the title is capitalised. However, in the source by Massey-Stokes (2000), every word except prepositions is capitalised. 5. A hanging indentation need to be used in each reference entry, i.e., every line after the first line should be moved a few spaces to the right.
Morris, J. and Twaddle, S. (2007). Anorexia nervosa. BMJ, 334(7599). Available from http://www.jstor.org/stable/20507010 [Accessed 19 October 2016]
Massey-Stokes, M. (2000). Prevention of Disordered Eating among Adolescents. The Clearing House: A Journal of Educational Strategies, Issues and Ideas, 73(6), pp.335-340. Available from http://www.jstor.org/stable/30189613 [Accessed 23 October 2016]
Nicholls, D., Hudson, L. and Mahomed, F. (2010). Managing anorexia nervosa. Archives of Disease in Childhood, 96(10), p978. Available from http://search.proquest.com/docview/1828805265/9BF718D7E7D84059PQ/3?accountid=144686 [Accessed 19 October 2016]
Activities:
Question 1:
Which sentence expresses the main idea of the whole essay?
A: One way to deal with anorexia is through psychological helpIncorrect: This statement is the topic sentence of the 2nd paragraph. The main purpose of the topic sentence is to outline the main idea of one specific paragraph rather than on the whole essay.
B: Despite the fact that anorexia is a widespread disease which can lead to death, governments and individuals can tackle this issue by implementing three possible solutions: psychotherapy, nutrition therapy and primary preventionCorrect: This is the thesis statement, which expresses the main idea of the whole essay clearly outlines the three main points to be covered: 1. psychotherapy; 2. nutrition therapy; and 3. primary prevention.
C: To conclude, anorexia is a current problem, the relevance of which is increasing every yearIncorrect: This sentence is the first sentence of the concluding paragraph. Its main purpose is to emphasise the currency and significance of the problem.
Question 2:
Identify the instance of inaccurate use of in-text citations in the 2nd and 3rd paragraphs of the essay?
A: The page number should have been either mentioned in both paragraphs or excluded in both paragraphsIncorrect: The reason the page number is given in the 2nd paragraph is that it contains very specific information presented as a direct quotation. In the 3rd paragraph, however, the use of the page number is not essential because it is not a direct quotation.
B: “Et al.” should have been used instead of naming all three authorsIncorrect: Et al. is normally used for more than three authors. The source cited in paragraphs 2 and 3 was written by three authors.
C: The year of publication given in the essay does not match with the year of publication in the ReferencesCorrect: The year of publication is 2011 in text, while 2010 in the References. It is important to include accurate and matching information in the in-text citation and in the Reference list.
Question 3:
Which of the paragraphs contains a concluding sentence that does not logically follow from the rest of the claims in the paragraph?
A: Paragraph 2Incorrect: The paragraph contains a clear and logical concluding sentence.
B: Paragraph 3Correct: The concluding sentence in this paragraph does not logically follow from the rest of claims in the paragraph.
C: Paragraph 4Incorrect: The paragraph contains a clear and logical concluding sentence.
Question 4:
Where do all three sources used in the essay come from?
A: BooksIncorrect: The sources used in this essay are not books, but journal articles. In all three entries, the name of the article is followed by the name of the journal; then, vollume and issue number, and finally, page numbers.
B: WebsitesIncorrect: The sources are not websites, but journal articles. In all three entries, the name of the article is followed by the name of the journal; then, vollume and issue number, and finally, page numbers.
C: JournalsCorrect: All three sources cited in the essay are the articles from academic journals. The sources used in this essay are not books, but journal articles. In all three entries, the name of the article is followed by the name of the journal; then, vollume and issue number, and finally, page numbers.