1. The introduction of the essay contains useful background information and clearly outlines the main points to be developed in the essay.
2. The writer has used evidence from up-to-date sources to back up the arguments they make in every paragraph of the essay.
3. The use of linking words and phrases in each paragraph has helped to establish cohesion within paragraphs in the essay.
4. In the concluding paragraph, the writer clearly summarises the two solutions discussed in the essay and hypothesises about the future.
Strengths:
Weaknesses:
1. The writer should have use signposting expressions at the beginning of paragraphs 2, 3 and 4 in order establish cohesion between paragraphs.
2. Some of the claims the writer has made in the essay, e.g., in paragraph 2, are too wordy, i.e., expressed in rather too many words, and need revision.
3. Several claims made in the essay are overly strong and need to be mitigated by using hedging words and phrases, e.g., may, might, could, likely, possibly, etc.
4. The writer should have been more precise and clear when talking about two-sided journalism in paragraph 3 of the essay.
Problem Solution Essay Eight:
The safety measures for journalists during the war period
According to statistics highlighted by Committee to Protect Journalists (CPJ), 1213 journalists have been killed over the last twenty years, and the overwhelming 47% of reporters’ death were caused by armed conflicts (2016). The main reason of their death, as it was reported by CPJ, was not only wrong recognition of reporters as spies, but also the prevention of information promotion in a negative form from the side of journalists, for instance, about Arabic world to others. This creates an anxiety among journalists and society as a whole, because an assault on journalists is considered an assault to the main fundamental ideas of democracy: freedom of expression and information. Thus, the protection of war correspondents is equal to protection of human rights. To overcome the problem of high mortality rate of reporters during war period, reinforced protection with armed guardian and the creation of status of two-sided journalist will be the most optimal solutions to consider.
Being rounded with armed guardian escort (not embedded), journalists could possibly save their lives if sudden impingement with military services of adversarial country will take place during data acquisition. In addition, to decrease the risk of self – insurance during striking, it must be considered for press-people to have partial military-industrial complex, such as helmets, bulletproof vest and mailed cars. However, as stated by Düsterhöft (2013), any armed bodyguards and even clothing give rise to misunderstandings for combatants. Hence, the possibility of being attacked is high, and if it will take place, the avoidance of firefight will be impossible. As a result, a mistaken perception about the media representatives in that area might be initiated: every car with journalist in it – is armed and pose a threat to the stability in the region. Despite the risks of misunderstandings on the part of military forces, this would be the effective protection tool for journalists in hot spots.
The promotion of status of two-sided journalism during warfare would be successfully implemented for safety purposes as well. In other words, the independent journalist with citizenship and nationality of two conflicting countries will work on war news reporting. As a consequence, from the considerations of moral ethics and legislation, militaries will not probably injure or arrest the media representatives. However, as it was mentioned by Smyth (2011), such kind of multilateral journalists can suffer from fallacious conviction for ‘close collaboration’ with the enemy side. Even though the suggested solution could possibly cause problematic issues after hostilities, it will reduce the number of injured media representatives. Moreover, it seems logical that two-sided reporters will be objective in terms of information evaluation and will not have propensity to one side. As a result, they will communicate true, valuable and unbiased information on what countries are fighting for, the battlefield strategies and their results to the society.
Due to the fact that no rules are followed during the war period, the implementation of the above mentioned solutions on saving the journalists’ lives will be complex. Multilateral journalism will be more efficient in the way of organizing the safety of journalists during wars. Dangers and threats will never be completely terminated, only in case that journalists have the power of word and images they distribute. Nonetheless, the protection with armed guardians and the creation of two-sided journalism status must become the common mission for the whole world to ensure that the human rights are not violated.
References:
Düsterhöft, I. (2013). The Protection of Journalists in Armed Conflicts: How Can They Be Better Safeguarded? Merkourios – International and European Law: General Issue, 29 (76), 4-22.
Smyth, F .(2016). Attacks on the Press since 1992: A Worldwide Survey by the Committee to Protect Journalists. Committee to Protect Journalists, 2 October. Available from: https://cpj.org/killed/ [Accessed: 23 October 2016].
Smyth, F. (2011). Journalist Security Guide: Covering news in a dangerous and changing world. Committee to Protect Journalists, 10 September. Available from: https://cpj.org/reports/2012/04/armed-conflict.php#5
[Accessed: 23 October 2016].
Problem Solution Essay Eight:
TheIssue No. 1: The definite article The should not be used in the essay title. safetyIssue No. 2: The word Safety needs to be capitalised because it is the first word in the essay title.measures for journalists during the war period
Legend:
Idea Development Academic Style Grammatical Accuracy Lexical Appropriacy Source Use Macrostructure Spelling Accuracy Punctuation Accuracy
According to statistics highlighted by Committee to Protect JournalistsIssue No. 3: The definite article the is needed before the name of the committee in this sentence.
Click here for Definite Article issue
Issue No. 4: The author’s last name Smyth should be used instead of the name of the committee in the in-text citation.
Click here for In-text Citations issue (CPJ), 1213 journalists have been killed over the last twenty years, and the overwhelming 47% of reporters’ deathIssue No. 5: The plural form of the noun deaths is needed in this sentence because the writer is talking about more than one person. were caused by armed conflicts (2016). The main reason ofIssue No. 6: The preposition for needs to be used after the noun reason instead of the preposition of. their deathIssue No. 7: The plural form of the noun deaths is needed in this sentence because the writer is talking about more than one person. , as it was reported by CPJIssue No. 8: The phrase as it was reported by CPJ is redundant in this sentence.
Click here for Redundancy issue, was not onlyIssue No. 9: The definite article the needs to be used in this sentence.
Click here for Definite Article issue wrongIssue No. 10: A more formal adjective incorrect should be used instead of the less formal adjective wrong in this sentence. recognition of reporters as spies, but also the prevention of information promotionIssue No. 11: A more appropriate noun dissemination needs to be used instead of the noun promotion in this sentence. in a negative formIssue No. 12: The structure of the sentence needs to be revised. from the side of journalistsIssue No. 13: A more concise phrase from journalists should be used in this sentence.
Click here for Wordiness issue, for instance, about Arabic world toIssue No. 14: The phrase to others is redundant in this sentence.
Click here for Redundancy issue others. This creates an anxiety among journalists and society as a whole,Issue No. 15: No comma should be used before because in a complex sentence.
Click here for Comma issue because an assault on journalists is considered an assault toIssue No. 16: The preposition on should be used instead of the preposition to in this sentence. the mainIssue No. 17: The adjective main is redundant because the adjective fundamental has already been used in this sentence. fundamental ideas of democracyIssue No. 18: The conjunction specifically should be added to clarify and exemplify the author’s claim.
Issue No. 19: The conjunction specifically should be set off by the commas in the middle of the sentence.
Click here for Comma issue: freedom of expression and information. Thus, the protection of war correspondents is equal toIssue No. 20: A more appropriate phrase related to needs to be used in this sentence. protection of human rights. To overcome the problem of high mortality rateIssue No. 21: The definite article the needs to be used in this sentence.
Click here for Definite Article issue of reporters during warIssue No. 22: The plural form of the noun wars should be used because more than one war happened in the past. periodIssue No. 23: The word period is redundant in this sentence.
Click here for Redundancy issue, reinforced protection with armed guardianIssue No. 24: A more appropriate word guards should be used in this sentence. and the creation of statusIssue No. 25: The definite article the needs to be used in this sentence.
Click here for Definite Article issue of two-sidedIssue No. 26: The phrase two-sided needs some clarification and explanation. journalistIssue No. 27: The plural form of the noun journalists should be used here. will be the most optimalIssue No. 28: The use of the strong phrase the most optimal should be avoided by replacing it with some. solutions to consider.
Being roundedIssue No. 29: A more appropriate word surrounded should be used in this sentence. with armed guardian escortIssue No. 30: The indefinite article an is needed before a singular noun phrase in this sentence.
Click here for Indefinite Article issue
Issue No. 31: The word guardian is redundant in this sentence.
Click here for Redundancy issue (not embedded)Issue No. 32: The claim needs to be made clearer and more specific., journalists could possibly save their lives if sudden impingement with military services of adversarial country will take place during data acquisitionIssue No. 33: The statement needs to be made more concise.
Click here for Wordiness issue. In addition, to decrease the risk ofIssue No. 34: The preposition to needs to be used instead of the preposition of after risk in this sentence. self – insurance during striking, it must be considered for press-people to have partial military-industrial complex, such as helmets, bulletproof vest and mailed carsIssue No. 35: The statement needs to be made more concise.
Click here for Wordiness issue. However, as stated by Düsterhöft (2013), any armed bodyguards and even clothing give rise toIssue No. 36: The claim needs to be mitigated by using a hedging expression may.
Click here for Hedging issue misunderstandings for combatants. Hence, the possibility of being attacked is highIssue No. 37: A more appropriate adjective increased should be used in this sentence., and ifIssue No. 38: A comma is needed to set off the if-clause in the middle of the sentence.
Click here for Wordiness issue it will takeIssue No. 39: The present simple tense of the verb takes needs to be used instead of the future tense in the conditional sentence.
Click here for Tense issue place, the avoidance of firefightIssue No. 40: The indefinite article a is needed before a singular noun in this sentence.
Click here for Indefinite Article issue will be impossibleIssue No. 41: An overly strong adjective impossible needs to be replaced by a less strong phrase all the more difficult.. As a result, a mistaken perception about theIssue No. 42: No definite article the should be used before the noun phrase media representatives in this sentence.
Click here for Definite Article issue media representatives in that area might be initiated: every carIssue No. 43: The conjunction if needs to be added to the conditional clause in the sentence. with journalist in itIssue No. 44: The phrase in it is redundant in this sentence.
Click here for Redundancy issue – is armed andIssue No. 45: A comma needs to be used instead of the conjunction and before the main clause in a conditional sentence. pose a threat toIssue No. 46: The subject it needs to be added to make the clause complete.
Issue No. 47: The claim needs to be mitigated by using a hedging expression may.
Click here for Hedging issue the stability in the region. Despite the risks of misunderstandings on the part of military forces, thisIssue No. 48: The plural form of pronoun these is needed in this sentence.
Issue No. 49: The claim needs to be made clearer and more precise by adding the noun measures. would be theIssue No. 50: No definite article the should be used before the noun phrase effective protection in this sentence.
Click here for Definite Article issue effective protection toolIssue No. 51: The word tool is redundant in this sentence.
Click here for Redundancy issue for journalists in hot spotsIssue No. 52: A more formal phrase war zones is needed in this sentence..
The promotion of status of two-sided journalism during warfare wouldIssue No. 53: A more appropriate modal verb could should be used instead of would in this sentence. be successfully implemented for safety purposes as wellIssue No. 54: The claim needs to be made more precise and clear.. In other words, the independent journalistIssue No. 55: The plural form of the noun journalists should be used here. with citizenship and nationalityIssue No. 56: The noun nationality is redundant in this sentence.
Click here for Redundancy issue of two conflicting countries will work on war news reporting. As a consequence, from the considerations of moral ethics and legislation, militaries will not probably injure or arrest the media representatives. However, as it was mentioned by Smyth (2011), such kind of multilateral journalists can suffer from fallacious conviction for ‘close collaboration’ with the enemy side. Even though the suggested solution could possibly cause problematic issues after hostilities, it will reduce the number of injured media representatives. Moreover, it seems logical that two-sided reporters will be objective in terms of information evaluation and will not have propensity to one side.Issue No. 57: The writer should have given more examples and evidence in order to explain what two-sided journalism is. As a result, they will communicate true, valuable and unbiased information on what countries are fighting for, the battlefield strategies and their results to the society.
Due to the fact that no rules are followedIssue No. 58: The sentence needs some revision to avoid an overly strong claim.
Click here for Hedging issue during theIssue No. 59: No definite article the should be used here.
Click here for Definite Article issue war periodIssue No. 60: The noun period is redundant in this sentence.
Click here for Redundancy issue, the implementation of the above mentioned solutions on saving the journalists’ lives willIssue No. 61: The modal verb would needs to be used in this sentence. be complex. Multilateral journalism will beIssue No. 62: The claim needs to be mitigated by using a hedging expression may.
Click here for Hedging issue more efficient in the wayIssue No. 63: The indefinite article a is needed before a singular noun in this sentence.
Issue No. 64: The phrase in the should not be used in this sentence. ofIssue No. 65: The preposition to needs to be used instead of the preposition of after the noun way in this sentence. organizingIssue No. 66: The infinitive form of the verb organize is needed instead of the -ing form after the preposition to. the safety of journalists during wars. Dangers and threats will never be completely terminatedIssue No. 67: A more appropriate verb removed is needed in this sentence., only in case thatIssue No. 68: The sentence needs some grammatical revision. journalists have the power of word and images they distribute. Nonetheless, theIssue No. 69: No definite article the is needed in this sentence.
Click here for Definite Article issue protection with armed guardiansIssue No. 70: A more appropriate word guards should be used in this sentence. and the creation of two-sided journalism statusIssue No. 71: The word status is redundant in this sentence.
Click here for Redundancy issue mustIssue No. 72: A less strong modal verb should is needed in this sentence.
Click here for Hedging issue become the common mission for the whole world to ensure that the human rights are not violated.
ReferencesIssue No. 73: The following issues with referencing have been identified in this essay: 1. More sources from academic journals and books should have been cited by the writer and included in the References. Only one source, i.e., by Düsterhöft (2013) included in the References, was published in an academic journal. The two other sources used by the writer of this essay come from non-academic sources. 2. The order of sources in the References needs some revision. The source by Smyth (2011)should appear before Smyth (2016) because the source by the same author published at an earlier date should be listes in the References before the source published at a later date. 3. There is lack of consistency in the capitalisation of the words in the titles of the articles. For example, in the sources by Düsterhöft (2013) and Smyth (2011), all words in the title of the article are capitalised; however, in the souce by Smyth (2016), only the first three words in the title are capitalised. 4. A hanging indentation need to be used in each reference entry, i.e., every line after the first line should be moved a few spaces to the right.
Düsterhöft, I. (2013). The Protection of Journalists in Armed Conflicts: How Can They Be Better Safeguarded? Merkourios – International and European Law: General Issue, 29 (76), 4-22.
Smyth, F .(2016). Attacks on the Press since 1992: A Worldwide Survey by the Committee to Protect Journalists. Committee to Protect Journalists, 2 October. Available from: https://cpj.org/killed/ [Accessed: 23 October 2016].
Smyth, F. (2011). Journalist Security Guide: Covering news in a dangerous and changing world. Committee to Protect Journalists, 10 September. Available from: https://cpj.org/reports/2012/04/armed-conflict.php#5
[Accessed: 23 October 2016].
Activities:
Question 1:
According to the thesis statement, i.e., the sentence that states the main idea of the essay, how many main points will the essay consist of?
A: One main pointIncorrect: The thesis statement clearly outlines the three main points, which are as follows: 1. reducing level of corruption in local government; 2. improving education systems to create more qualified individuals; and 3. developing economies via international investments and good management.
B: Two main pointsIncorrect: The thesis statement clearly outlines the three main points, which are as follows: 1. reducing level of corruption in local government; 2. improving education systems to create more qualified individuals; and 3. developing economies via international investments and good management.
C: Three main pointsCorrect: The thesis statement clearly outlines the three main points, which are as follows: 1. reducing level of corruption in local government; 2. improving education systems to create more qualified individuals; and 3. developing economies via international investments and good management.
Question 2:
Which of the essay paragraphs has a more effective topic sentence, i.e., a sentence that expresses the main idea of the paragraph?
A: Paragraph 2Correct: The topic sentence is clearly stated at the beginning of the paragraph: The first solution to the problem of poverty in Africa is lowering the level of corruption in local government.
B: Paragraph 3Incorrect: The topic sentence in this paragraph needs some revision. The main point is overall clear in the first sentence of the paragraph: In Africa, the education system is undeveloped and cannot supply countries with the required numbers of professionals. However, this sentence could be made more efficient by phrasing it as a solution rather than as a weakness, i.e., Another potential way to solve the problem of poverty in Africa is by developing the system of education and increasing the number of professionals.
C: Paragraph 4Incorrect: The topic sentence is missing in this paragraph. Rather than starting the paragraph with a direct quotation, the writer could have stated the main point, i.e., developing economies in Africa via international investments.
Question 3:
Which of the essay paragraphs requires some use of research-based evidence?
A: Paragraph 1Incorrect: This paragraph contains some research-based evidence from the World Bank. Being an introductory paragraph of the essay, paragraph 1, generally, does not require the integration of further evidence.
B: Paragraph 2Incorrect: This paragraph contains some evidence from the survey on increasing corruption rate in Africa.
C: Paragraph 3Correct: No research-based evidence has been used by the writer in this paragraph. Some evidence in the form of examples and/or statistics needs to be included.
Question 4:
What is the main problem with referencing (both in text and in the reference list) in this essay?
A: Mismatch in the sources cited in the essay and the sources included in the References section at the end of the essay.Correct: None of the sources cited in the essay are included in the References and the other way round. This is the main problem with the use of sources in this essay which needs to be avoided in academic writing.
B: Mainly outdated sources used in this essay.Incorrect: This is not an issue in this essay because most sources used by the writer were published in the last five years, i.e., very current.
C: Only direct quotations used by the writer in this essay.Incorrect: This is not an issue in this essay because the writer has used both direct quotations and paraphrased/summarised some information form the literature.