Strengths:

1. The essay has a clear structure; it consists of an introduction, three main body paragraphs and a conclusion.

2. The thesis statement clearly outlines the three main points of the essay, which are developed in the same sequence in the body paragraphs.

3. Each of the body paragraphs in the essay follows a clear structure; it begins with a topic sentence, uses a range of examples and evidence from research and finishes with a clear summary/concluding sentence.

4. All sources used in the essay are up-to-date, i.e., published within the last 10 years.

Weaknesses:

1. Wordiness and redundancy has been found in all three body paragraphs of the essay. Repetitive sentences and clauses need to be excluded from the essay to avoid redundancy.

2. Some claims need to be made more precise and clear. Specifically, body paragraph 3 contains a number of unclear or illogical claims, which need to be revised.

3. The writer needs to mitigate their claims more often and avoid using overly strong language in the essay.

4. The writer has made an attempt to use secondary citations in the essay. It is important to remember that secondary referencing is needed only when primary sources cannot be accessed by the writer.

Persuasive Essay Two:

Key Factors of Being Successful in Career

To be successful in career is always challenging and desired by every single person in the globe as it creates great opportunities to enhance the level of living standards both in academic and social life. However, acquiring high-qualified skills do not give guarantee to work efficiently at desirable places and achieving career success. In fact, 48 % of employees throughout the world are not achieved career success in their current job (Kelly Services Staffing Agency, 2014). In order to be successful in career, individuals should focus on developing their proactive personality, keeping balance at work and family, and physical attractiveness.

Proactive personality is one of the key factors that lead to career success. In other word, individuals who make constructive change and take the initiative in their current job can experience success in career. Crant (2000) explains that career success is expected to be strongly dependent on proactive behavior by personal initiative, exhibit innovation and being creative (cited in Jerry et al., 2010). Indeed, individuals with proactive personality always trying to find opportunities to take actions to illustrate high job performance and tend to persevere until achieving something important in life. Accordingly, people who have a lack of proactive personality do not able to demonstrate initiative in workplaces which lead to fail from gaining success in career. The importance of proactive personality is relatively high in terms of enacting job environment of the workplaces and creating something new which may bring success in career. Bandura (1977) highlights that the proactive personality facilitates to create and enact environmental surroundings and make constructive change in workplaces (cited in Jerry et al., 2010). Passive or non-proactive individuals do not efficiently scan the job environment and lose many opportunities. Such people are more likely to adapt the changes in environment rather that enact or create it. Being the person with specified behavior as proactive personality creates some opportunities to gain career progression over specified period of time. According to Mischel (1977), proactive personality is positively related to job performance and the relationship between them can be identified by achieving specified behavior which leads to career progression (cited in Jerry et al., 2010). Thus, proactive personality can be one of the most attainable key factors that can shape career success over the specified period of time.

Keeping balance in work and family is an another significant factor which facilitates to be successful in career. Ability to balance work and family leads to high level of career satisfaction and organizational commitment which inspire to achieve career advancement. Individuals who experience positive satisfaction in family and work are more successful in career with relatively high job performance. Allen et al., (2013) achievements in work and family are positively influenced by work outcomes as affective commitment and job satisfaction within the organizations (cited in Shalaka, 2014). Being able to cope with some conflicts in family and demonstrating positive performance in work assist to lead an active lifestyle and increase initiative in the workplaces. One of the best approaches to achieve career success is to maintain balance in work and family by high responsibility in the work profile and enjoying from work. It is also important to keeping balance both work and family by spending too much time on one of them. For instance, if individuals focus on only work or family, there will be some conflicts around family members or co-workers which bring trouble and dissatisfaction. Guest (2002), explains that “…long working hours, time pressures at work may result in higher stress levels for the individual and also increase the weekend and evening work leading to less quality time with the family members” (cited in Shalaka, 2014). The role of work and family is very substantial for individuals who persuade career success in lifelong journey. Being successful person in career is partially dependent on the concept of caring about efficiently managing work and family simultaneously. King at al., (2009), mentions that “ employees who experience positive spillover from home to work, are the individuals who most probably feel successful at work” (cited in Shalaka, 2014). All things considered, having a work and family balance contributes great opportunities and increases probability of being successful person in career success.

Additionally, attractive appearance of person can be the fundamental key factor that facilitates to succeed in career. Evidently, appearance of a person, namely the feature of attractiveness is tremendously favored in employment because appearance is known as a non-verbal communication which enable to affiliate easily with others. James (2008) highlights that attractiveness is associated assertive qualities of a person such as success (cited in Frank et al., 2012). Thus, possessing such prized feature assists an individual to achieve success and get promoted compatibly fast and now appearance matters much more than it was before. To illustrate, employers mostly pay attention to the external appearance of candidates before hiring them and it is called an appearance based society. Correspondingly, James (2008) emphasizes that even though two people with equal qualifications apply for a position, the possibility of hiring an attractive candidate is much higher comparing to the unattractive one (cited in Frank et al., 2012). The existence of this gap in society may consequently cause discrimination among job applicants. Corbett (2007) asserts that disposing discrimination toward other unattractive applicants is morally wrong consideration (cited in Frank et al, 2012). Hiring employees in some employment organizations and companies, especially based on external appearance of person might reinforce existing stereotypes and prejudices. Currently, many employers care too much about physical appearance rather than qualification and profound knowledge of employees. In some cases, even employers` decisions made based on physical appearance which also leads to discrimination. Nevertheless, physical appearance matters in every sphere of life and it is highly favored by society. In fact, paying attention to external appearance for candidates especially in areas such as management is highly important. In brief, being an attractive person gives a competitive advantage in labor market and facilitates to improve the chance to be successful individual in career.

To conclude, probability of being successful person in career is based on three major factors such as improving proactive personality, maintain balance in work and family as well as enhancing physical appearance. Proactive personality is one of the essential factors that facilitate to achieve career success by taking initiative and making constructive changes at workplaces. Another fundamental key factor that leads to career success is balancing work and family by increasing the level of organizational commitment and career satisfaction. Attractive appearance is also known as non-verbal communication which plays important role in career success. Based on these factors, individuals can make decision to choose career path that bring success. People should focus on these factors in order to be successful in their career.

Reference list

Fuller, J. et al., (2010). Proactive Personality and Job Performance: Exploring Job Autonomy as a Moderator. 1st ed. Pittsburg: Pittsburg State University, pp.1, 36. Available from: http://www.jstor.org/stable/25822514?seq=1&cid=pdf-reference#references_tab_contents [Accessed 18 March. 2016].

Shah, S. (2014). The Role of Work-Family Enrichment in Work-Life Balance & Career Success: A Comparison of German & Indian Managers. 1st ed. Munich: Ludwig-Maximilians -University of Munich, pp.10-29. Available from: https://edoc.ub.uni-muenchen.de/16634/1/Shah_Shalaka.pdf [Accessed 19 March. 2016].

Frank, J. et al., (2012). Appearance discrimination in employment: Legal and ethical implications of “lookism” and “lookphobia”. 1st ed. Emerald Group Publishing Limited, pp.84-105. Available from: http://dx.doi.org/10.1108/02610151311305632 [Accessed 21 March. 2016].

Persuasive Essay Two:

Key Factors of Being SuccessfulIssue No. 1: A more concise expression to Succeed needs to be used in the essay title.
Click here for Wordiness issue in Career

Legend:
Idea Development Academic Style Grammatical Accuracy Lexical Appropriacy Source Use Macrostructure Spelling Accuracy Punctuation Accuracy

To be successful in careerIssue No. 2: The determiner Your is needed before the noun Career in the essay title.
Issue No. 3: The gerund (-ing) phrase needs to be used instead of the to+infinitive phrase at the beginning of the sentence. is always challenging and desired by every single person in the globeIssue No. 4: This is a very strong claim that needs to be mitigated.
Click here for Hedging issue as it creates great opportunities to enhance the level of living standardsIssue No. 5: It is not entirely clear whose living standards are meant in this statement. both in academic and social lifeIssue No. 6: The statement is not entirely clear and needs some revision. . However, acquiring high-qualified skillsIssue No. 7: A more concise expression becoming highly qualified needs to be used in this sentence.
Click here for In-text Citations issue do notIssue No. 8: The singular form of the verb is needed in this sentence to establish subject-verb agreement. giveIssue No. 9: The verb give is redundant in this sentence.
Click here for Redundancy issue guarantee to work efficientlyIssue No. 10: A more appropriate phrase getting a job needs to be used in this sentence. at desirable placeIssue No. 11: The indefinite article a is needed before a singular noun phrase desirable place.
Issue No. 12: The singular form of the noun place is needed in this sentence.
Click here for Indefinite Article issueand achieving career success. In fact, 48 % of employees throughout the world are not achievedIssue No. 13: The present perfect tense of the verb needs to be used in this sentence.
Click here for Tenses issue career success in their current job (Kelly Services Staffing Agency, 2014).Issue No. 14: The source needs to be included in the Reference list at the end of the essay.
Click here for Referencing issue In order to beIssue No. 15: A contextually more appropriate verb become needs to be used in this sentence. successful in careerIssue No. 16: The determiner their is needed before the noun career., individuals should focus on developing their proactive personalityIssue No. 17: The indefinite article a is needed as a determiner for the noun phrase proactive personality.
Click here for Indefinite Article issue, keeping balanceIssue No. 18: The indefinite article a is needed in the phrase keep a balance.
Click here for Indefinite Article issue at workIssue No. 19: The preposition between needs to be used instead of the preposition at in this sentence. and family, and physicalIssue No. 20: The gerund form of the verb is needed here to establish parallelism in the sentence. attractiveness.

Proactive personalityIssue No. 21: The indefinite article a is needed before a singular noun phrase proactive personality.
Issues No. 22: The lower case letter p is needed in the adjective proactive because this word is no longer the first word in the sentence.
Click here for Indefinite Article issue is one of the key factors that leadIssue No. 23: The claim needs to be mitigated by using the hedging expression might.
Click here for Hedging issue to career success. In other word,Issue No. 24: The signposting expression needs to be spelled as In other words. individuals who make constructive change and take the initiative in their current job canIssue No. 25: The hedging expression are more likely to is more appropriate to use in this sentence. experience successIssue No. 26: The phrase achieve success is an appropriate collocation to use. in career.Issue No. 27: The determiner their is needed before the noun career. Crant (2000)Issue No. 28: The source needs to be included in the Reference list at the end of the essay.
Issue No. 29: The citation should be revised by including the phrase As pointed out by in order to avoid beginning the sentence with the author’s name.
Issue No. 31: The introductory clause As pointed out by Crant (2000) needs to be set off by a comma.
Click here for In-text Citations issue explains thatIssue No. 30: The reporting verb explains that should not be used anymore since the sentence structure has been revised.
Click here for In-text Citations issue career success is expected to be strongly dependent on proactive behavior by personal initiativeIssue No. 33: The phrase by personal initiative is redundant in this sentence.
Click here for Redundancy issue, exhibit innovationIssue No. 34: The noun phrase the exhibition needs to be used to establish parallelism in the sentence.
Issue No. 35: The preposition of needs to be used in the noun phrase the exhibition of innovation. and being creative (cited in Jerry et al., 2010)Issue No. 36: It seems that the author’s first name Jerry has been used in the text. It needs to be replaced by the author’s last name.
Issue No. 37: The source needs to be included in the Reference list at the end of the essay.
Issue No. 32: It is bad academic practice to habitually use secondary referencing when the original source is easily available and accessible.
Click here for In-text Citations issue
Click here for Referencing issue. Indeed, individuals with proactiveIssue No. 38: The indefinite article a is needed before a singular noun phrase proactive personality.
Click here for Indefinite Article issue personality always tryingIssue No. 39: The claim needs to be mitigated by using the hedging expression tend to.
Click here for Hedging issue to find opportunities to take actions to illustrate high job performance and tend to persevere until achieving something important in life.Issue No. 40: A contextually more appropriate phrase in their work needs to be used in this sentence. Accordingly, people who have a lack of proactive personality do notIssue No. 41: The auxiliary verb to be is needed before the verb able to. able to demonstrate initiative in workplaces which lead toIssue No. 42: The claim needs to be mitigated by using the hedging expression might.
Click here for Hedging issue failIssue No. 43: The noun failure needs to be used instead of the infinitive form of the verb in this sentence. fromIssue No. 44: The preposition in needs to be used instead of the preposition from in this sentence. gaining success in career.Issue No. 45: The determiner their is needed before the noun career.The importance of proactiveIssue No. 46: The indefinite article a is needed before a singular noun phrase proactive personality.
Click here for Indefinite Article issue personality is relatively high in terms of enacting job environment of the workplacesIssue No. 47: It is not entirely clear what is meant by enacting job environment of the workplaces in this sentence. and creating something new which may bring success in career. BanduraIssue No. 48: The citation should be revised by including the phrase According to in order to avoid beginning the sentence with the author’s name.
Click here for In-text Citations issue (1977) highlights thatIssue No. 49: The reporting verb highlights that should not be used anymore since the sentence structure has been revised.
Click here for In-text Citations issue the proactive personality facilitates to create and enact environmental surroundings and make constructive change in workplaces (cited in Jerry et al., 2010).Issue No. 50: The source needs to be included in the Reference list at the end of the essay.
Click here for Referencing issue
Issue No. 51: It is bad academic practice to habitually use secondary referencing when the original source is easily available and accessible.
Click here for In-text Citations issue Passive or non-proactive individuals do not efficiently scan the job environment and lose many opportunities. Such people are more likely to adapt the changes in environmentIssue No. 52: The determiner their is needed before the noun environment. rather that enact or create it.Issue No. 53: The plural form of the pronoun them needs to be used because it refers to the plural noun changes. Being the person with specified behavior as proactive personalityIssue No. 54: A more concise phrase Having a proactive personality needs to be used in this sentence.
Click here for Wordiness issue
Issue No. 55: The indefinite article a is needed before a singular noun phrase proactive personality.
Click here for Indefinite Article issue creates some opportunities to gain career progression over a specified period of time.Issue No. 56: The phrase over a specified period of time is redundant in this sentence.
Click here for Redundancy issue According to Mischel (1977), proactive Issue No. 57: The indefinite article a is needed before a singular noun phrase proactive personality.personality is positivelyIssue No. 58: A more appropriate phrase positively correlates with needs to be used in this sentence. related to job performance and the relationship between them can be identified by achieving specified behavior which leads to career progressionIssue No. 59: The clause is redundant because this information has been given in the previous sentence. (cited in Jerry et al., 2010).Issue No. 60: The source needs to be included in the Reference list at the end of the essay.
Click here for Referencing issue Thus, proactiveIssue No. 61: The indefinite article a is needed before a singular noun phrase proactive personality.
Click here for Indefinite Article issue personality can be one of the most attainable keyIssue No. 62: A contextually more appropriate expression important needs to be used in this sentence. factors that can shape career success over the specified period of time.Issue No. 63: The phrase over a specified period of time is redundant in this sentence.
Click here for Redundancy issue

Keeping balanceIssue No. 64: The indefinite article a needs to be used in the phrase keeping a balance.
Click here for Indefinite Article issue in work and family is an anotherIssue No. 65: No article should be used before another in this sentence.
Click here for Indefinite Article issue significant factor which facilitates to be successful in career.Issue No. 66: A more concise noun phrase career success rather than a wordy verb phrase needs to be used in this sentence.
Click here for Wordiness issue Ability to balance work and familyIssue No. 67: The definite article the needs to be used before the noun phrase ability to balance work and family.
Click here for Definite Article issue leadsIssue No. 68: The claim needs to be mitigated by using a hedging expression often before the verb leads in this sentence. to high level of career satisfactionIssue No. 69: The indefinite article a needs to be used before the noun phrase high level of career satisfaction.
Click here for Indefinite Article issue and organizationalIssue No. 70: The word needs to be spelled as organisational. In the interest of consistency, American English spelling should be replacing with the British English spelling. commitment which inspireIssue No. 71: It is not entirely clear what specifically the writer refers to when they say which inspire…in this sentence. to achieve career advancement. Individuals who experience positiveIssue No. 72: The adjective positive is redundant in this sentence.
Click here for Redundancy issue satisfaction in family and work are more successful in careerIssue No. 73: The determiner their is needed before the noun career. with relatively high job performance.Issue No. 74: The claim needs to be substantiated with some research-based evidence in the form of an in-text citation.
Click here for Evidence issue Allen et al.Issue No. 75: The citation should be revised by including the phrase As stated by in order to avoid beginning the sentence with the author’s name.
Click here for In-text Citations issue,Issue No. 76: No comma should be used between the authors’ names and the year of publication.
Click here for In-text Citations issue (2013)Issue No. 77: The introductory clause As stated by Allen et al. (2013), needs to be set off by a comma.
Click here for In-text Citations issue achievements in work and family are positively influenced by work outcomes as affective commitment and job satisfaction within the organizationsIssue No. 79: It is not entirely clear what this in-text citation means. The writer should have been more precise here. (cited in Shalaka, 2014Issue No. 78: It is bad academic practice to habitually use secondary referencing when the original source is easily available and accessible.
Click here for In-text Citations issue). Issue No. 80: It is not entirely clear they writer meant to say in this sentence. Being able to cope with someIssue No. 81: The pronoun some is redundant in this sentence.
Click here for Redundancy issue conflicts inIssue No. 82: The preposition within needs to be used instead of the preposition in in this sentence. familyIssue No. 83: The definite article the needs to be used before the noun family in this sentence.
Click here for Definite Article issue and demonstrating positive performance in work assist to lead an active lifestyle and increase initiative in the workplaces. One of the best approaches to achieve career success is to maintain balanceIssue No. 84: The indefinite article a needs to be used before the noun balance in this sentence.
Click here for Indefinite Article issue in work and family by high responsibility in the work profile and enjoying from work.Issue No. 85: It is not entirely clear what the writer meant to say here and how this follows the previous claim. It is also important to keepingIssue No. 86: The infinitive form of the verb needs to be used after to in this sentence. balanceIssue No. 87: The preposition between needs to be used in this sentence. both work and family by spendingIssue No. 88: The statement needs to be changed to negative to make the statement clear and logical. too much time on one of them.Issue No. 89: A more appropriate phrase on one to the detriment of the other needs to be used in this sentence. For instance, if individuals focus on only work or family, there will be some conflicts around family members or co-workers which bring trouble and dissatisfaction. Guest (2002)Issue No. 90: The citation should be revised by including the phrase As claimed by in order to avoid beginning the sentence with the author’s name.
Click here for In-text Citations issue, explains thatIssue No. 91: The reporting verb explains that should not be used anymore since the sentence structure has been revised.
Click here for In-text Citations issue “…long working hours, time pressures at work may result in higher stress levels for the individual and also increaseIssue No. 92: It is bad academic practice to habitually use secondary referencing when the original source is easily available and accessible. theIssue No. 93: No definitive article the should be used in this sentence.
Click here for Definite Article issue
Issue No. 94: It is important to accurately use direct quotations in academic writing. This quote seems to be not a direct one since it contains a grammatical error. weekend and evening work leading to less quality time with the family members” (cited in Shalaka, 2014). The role of workIssue No. 95: It is not entirely clear what the writer meant when talking about the role of work and family. and family is veryIssue No. 96: The use of very is redundant in this sentence.
Click here for Redundancy issue substantial for individuals who persuadeIssue No. 97: The verb pursue needs to be used instead of the verb persuade in this sentence. career success in lifelong journeyIssue No. 98: The noun person is redundant in this sentence.
Click here for Redundancy issue. Being successful personIssue No. 99: The determiner one’s is needed before the noun career.
Click here for Redundancy issue in career is partially dependent on the concept of caring about efficiently managing work and family simultaneously. KingIssue No. 101: The citation should be revised by including the phrase According to in order to avoid beginning the sentence with the author’s name.
Click here for In-text Citations issue at alIssue No. 102: The spelling mistake needs to be corrected.., (2009), mentions thatIssue No. 103: The reporting verb mentions that should not be used anymore since the sentence structure has been revised.
Click here for In-text Citations issue “employees who experience positive spillover from home to work, are the individuals who most probably feel successful at work” (cited in Shalaka, 2014)Issue No. 104: The source needs to be included in the Reference list at the end of the essay.
Click here for Referencing issue. All things considered, having a work and family balance contributesIssue No. 105: The preposition to needs to be used after the verb contributes. great opportunitiesIssue No. 106: A contextually more appropriate noun happiness needs to be used in this sentence. and increases probabilityIssue No. 107: The definite article the needs to be used before the noun phrase probability of being successful.
Click here for Definite Article issue of being successful personIssue No. 108: The noun person is redundant in this sentence. in careerIssue No. 109: The determiner one’s is needed before the noun career. success.Issue No. 110: The word success does not need to be used in this sentence.

AdditionallyIssue No. 111: The signposting expression Additionally should not be used at the beginning of the paragraph., attractiveIssue No. 112: The indefinite article an needs to be used before the noun phrase attractive appearance.
Click here for Indefinite Article issue appearance of personIssue No. 113: The prepositional phrase of person is redundant in this sentence.
Click here for Redundancy issue can be theIssue No. 114: No definite article the needs to be used in this sentence.
Click here for Indefinite Article issue fundamental key factor that facilitates to succeed in careerIssue No. 115: A more concise phrase fundamental to career success needs to be used in this sentence.
Click here for Wordiness issue. Evidently,Issue No. 116: The use of strong words like evidently should be avoided in academic writing. It might be evident to the writer but not to other people.
Click here for Hedging issue appearance of a person, namely the feature ofIssue No. 117: The sentence is a bit wordy and needs revision.
Click here for Wordiness issue attractiveness is tremendously favored in employment because appearance is known asIssue No. 118: A more appropriate phrase a form of needs to be used in this sentence. aIssue No. 119: The indefinite article a should not be used before the noun phrase non-verbal communication.
Click here for Indefinite Article issue non-verbal communication which enable to affiliate easily with others.Issue No. 120: The claim needs to be substantiated with some research-based evidence in the form of an in-text citation.
Click here for Evidence issue James (2008)Issue No. 122: The citation should be revised by including the phrase According to in order to avoid beginning the sentence with the author’s name.
Click here for In-text Citations issue highlights that attractiveness is associatedIssue No. 121: The preposition with needs to be used after associated. assertive qualities of a person such as success (cited in Frank et al., 2012). Thus, possessing such prized featureIssue No. 123: A more concise phrase being attractive should be used in this sentence.
Click here for Wordiness issue assists an individual to achieve success and get promoted compatibly fastIssue No. 124: A more appropriate expression relatively quickly needs to be used in this sentence. and now appearance matters much more than it was before.Issue No. 125: This point does not logically follow from the previous claim. To illustrate, employers mostly pay attention to the external appearance of candidates before hiring them and it is called an appearance based society.Issue No. 126: The writer needs to be clearer and more precise when talking about an appearance-based society. Correspondingly, James (2008) emphasizesIssue No. 127: The word needs to be spelled as emphasises. In the interest of consistency, American English spelling should be replacing with the British English spelling. that even though two people with equal qualifications apply for a position, the possibility of hiring an attractive candidate is much higher comparing to theIssue No. 128: The indefinite article a needs to be used instead of the definite article the in this sentence.
Click here for Indefinite Article issue unattractive one (cited in Frank et al., 2012). The existence of this gap in society may consequently cause discrimination among job applicants.
Corbett (2007) asserts thatIssue No. 129: The citation should be revised by including the phrase As asserted by in order to avoid beginning the sentence with the author’s name.
Click here for In-text Citations issuedisposing discrimination toward other unattractive applicants is morally wrong consideration (cited in Frank et al, 2012).Issue No. 130: The statement made by the writer is not entirely clear and needs to be revised. Hiring employees in some employment organizations and companies, especially based on external appearance of person might reinforce existing stereotypes and prejudices.Issue No. 131: The claim needs to be substantiated with some research-based evidence in the form of an in-text citation.
Click here for Evidence issue Currently, many employers care too much about physical appearance rather than qualification and profound knowledge of employees. In some casesIssue No. 132: The writer needs to be more specific when saying in some cases., even employers` decisions Issue No. 133: The auxiliary verb to be is needed before the verb made in this sentence. made based on physical appearance which also leads to discrimination. Nevertheless, physical appearance matters in every sphere of life and it is highly favored by society.Issue No. 134: The writer has already said that. It is important to avoid repetition.
Click here for Redundancy issue In fact, paying attention to external appearance for candidates especially in areas such as management is highly important. In brief, being an attractive person gives a competitive advantage in labor market and facilitatesIssue No. 135: A more appropriate verb helps needs to be used in this sentence. to improve the chance to be successful individualIssue No. 136: The noun individual is redundant in this sentence.
Click here for Redundancy issue in career.Issue No. 137: The determiner one’s is needed before the noun career.

To conclude, probability of being successful personIssue No. 138: The noun person is redundant in this sentence.
Click here for Redundancy issue in careerIssue No. 139: The determiner one’s is needed before the noun career. is based on three major factors such asIssue No. 140: The phrase such as needs to be replaced by a more appropriate phrase specifically. improving proactive personalityIssue No. 141: A contextually more appropriate phrase having a proactive personality should be used., maintainIssue No. 143: The -ing verb form maintaining needs to be used to establish parallelism in the sentence. balance inIssue No. 144: The preposition between needs to be used instead of the preposition in in this sentence. work and family as well as enhancing physical appearance. Proactive personality is one of the essential factors that facilitateIssue No. 145: The singular form of the verb is needed in this sentence to establish subject-verb agreement. to achieveIssue No. 146: The phrase to achieve is redundant in this sentence.
Click here for Redundancy issue career success by taking initiativeIssue No. 147: A contextually more appropriate phrase providing initiative is needed in this sentence. and making constructive changes atIssue No. 148: The preposition in needs to be used instead of the preposition at in this sentence. workplacesIssue No. 149: The definite article the needs to be used before the noun workplace in this sentence.
Click here for Definite Article issue
Issue No. 150: The singular form of the noun workplace is needed.

Another fundamental key factorIssue No. 151: The phrase key factor is redundant in this sentence because the use of the adjective fundamental conveys the same idea.
Click here for Redundancy issue that leads to career success is balancing work and family by increasing the level of organizationalIssue No. 152: The word needs to be spelled as organisational. In the interest of consistency, American English spelling should be replacing with the British English spelling. commitment and career satisfaction. Attractive appearanceIssue No. 153: The indefinite article an needs to be used before the noun phrase attractive appearance.
Click here for Indefinite Article issue
Issue No. 154: An attractive appearance cannot be defined as non-verbal communication because these are the two very different concepts. is also known as non-verbal communication which plays important role in career success. Based on these factors, individuals can make decisionIssue No. 155: The plural form of the noun decisions needs to be used because it refers to the decisions made by individuals. to choose career pathIssue No. 156: The indefinite article a needs to be used before the singular noun phrase career path.
Click here for Indefinite Article issue that bringIssue No. 157: The singular form of the verb is needed in this sentence to establish subject-verb agreement. success. People should focus on these factors in order to be successful in their career.

ReferencesIssue No. 158: A number of issues with the use of sources have been found in this essay: 1. Only one of the three sources, i.e., Frank et al. (2012) included in the Reference list has actually been cited in the essay. There must be a total match between the sources in the Reference list and the sources cited in text. 2. A few sources cited in the essay, i.e., Kelly Services Staffing Agency (2014), Jerry et al. (2010), and Shalaka (2014), were not included in the Reference list. These sources must be added to the Reference List. 3. If the source was written by more than two people, e.g., Frank et al. (2012), all names of the co-authors need to be listed instead of using et al. after the first author’s name. 4. The sources need to be arranged in alphabetical order by the last name of the author. 5. A hanging indentation need to be used, i.e., in every reference entry, every line after the first line should be moved a few spaces to the right.

Fuller, J. et al., (2010). Proactive Personality and Job Performance: Exploring Job Autonomy as a Moderator. 1st ed. Pittsburg: Pittsburg State University, pp.1, 36. Available from: http://www.jstor.org/stable/25822514?seq=1&cid=pdf-reference#references_tab_contents [Accessed 18 March. 2016].

Shah, S. (2014). The Role of Work-Family Enrichment in Work-Life Balance & Career Success: A Comparison of German & Indian Managers. 1st ed. Munich: Ludwig-Maximilians -University of Munich, pp.10-29. Available from: https://edoc.ub.uni-muenchen.de/16634/1/Shah_Shalaka.pdf [Accessed 19 March. 2016].

Frank, J. et al., (2012). Appearance discrimination in employment: Legal and ethical implications of “lookism” and “lookphobia”. 1st ed. Emerald Group Publishing Limited, pp.84-105. Available from: http://dx.doi.org/10.1108/02610151311305632 [Accessed 21 March. 2016].

Activities:

Question 1:
How can the citation by Allen et al. (2013) in the 3rd paragraph of the essay be improved?

A: By using an introductory reporting phrase, e.g., According to…, As claimed by…, at the beginning of the sentence.Correct: It is important to avoid starting the sentence with the author’s name. An introductory phrase such as “As stated by…” needs to be added before “Allen et al. (2013)”.

B: By replacing this citation with a more up-to-date one, i.e., published within the last five years.Incorrect: The source by Allen et.al. (2013) in not outdated. At the time this webpage was constructed, it was only 4 years old, fairly recent in academic terms.

C: By putting the information in “quotation marks”.Incorrect: No quotation marks need to be used in this citation because the writer did not use the exact words from the original source, rather they paraphrased (i.e., expressed the same idea in different words) them.

Question 2:
Identify an example of the language used to exemplify a claim in the 4th paragraph of the essay?

A: To illustrateCorrect: To illustrate is a linking phrase used by the writer to exemplify the claim about the importance of physical attractiveness for career success.

B: CorrespondinglyIncorrect: Correspondingly is a linking word that is used to describe similarities. The use of this word is acceptable in academic writing.

C: In factIncorrect: In fact is a linking phrase used to emphasize the truth of an assertion, especially one opposite to what might be expected.

Question 3:
Which source(s) cited by the writer need to be included in the Reference List?

A: Crant (2000)Incorrect: This is a secondary source which should not appear in the Reference List.

B: Jerry et al. (2010)Correct: This is a primary source which needs to be included in the Reference List.

C: Crant (2000) and Jerry et al. (2010)Incorrect: Only Jerry et al. (2010) needs to be included in the Reference List. Crant (2000) is a secondary source which should not appear in the Reference List.

Question 4:
What is the main function of the first sentence in the final paragraph of the essay?

A: A summary of key points in the essayCorrect: The writer summarised the three main points of the essay, i.e., having a proactive personality, maintaining a balance between work and family and enhancing physical appearance.

B: Forecasting the futureIncorrect: The writer is not forecasting the future, but summarising the main points covered in the three body paragraphs of the essay.

C: Making recommendationsIncorrect: The writer is not making recommendation, but summarising the main points of the essay in the first sentence of the concluding paragraph. However, they do make some recommendations in the final sentence of the essay.