1. The essay has a clear structure- it consists of an introduction, three main body paragraphs and a conclusion.
2. The thesis statement gives a clear account of the three main points that are logically developed in each body paragraph.
3. Each body paragraph has a concise and clear topic sentence that states the main idea of the paragraph.
4. Linking words and phrases are used skilfully between paragraphs to help to achieve cohesion and clarity of the argument in the essay.
Strengths:
Weaknesses:
1. Some claims made by the writer do not logically follow from the claims stated earlier in the paragraph, e.g., the last sentence of the 3rd paragraph.
2. The writer should have used integral citations, i.e., integrating the name of the cited author within the paragraph, more frequently in the essay rather than putting the referencing details in parentheses at the end of the sentence, e.g., paragraphs 2, 3 and 4.
3. The writer should have mitigated some of their claims by using appropriate hedging language, e.g., may, might, or could.
4. The writer should have used the grammatical articles and prepositions more accurately in the essay.
Problem Solution Essay Five:
Cyberbullying among teenagers
The society of the XXI century has become “wired”. Several decades ago news could be received only through newspapers, television or radio. Today social networks and instant messaging applications have become the fastest and the largest source of news for many of us. However, this easy access to Internet has enabled the spread of online harassment or cyberbullying. Cyberbullying is bullying online using electronic devices like cellphones, computers. The distinguishing point is that teens are mainly targeted for cyberbullying. The consequences of being harassed online may be withdrawal from school, low self-esteem, mood shifts, anxiety, and even might result in suicide (Beale and Hall, 2010). To combat cyberbullying, schools should run workshops both for school children and teachers, parents should be more aware of the cyberbullying effects and control Internet use of their offspring, and social networks should be regulated by the government.
The first solution to overcome the challenge can be that organization of various workshops to educate the youngsters about consequences of cyberbullying. According to the survey conducted in the US, “74 percent of students” reported being bullied at school (Beale and Hall, 2007, p8). The issue has worsened due to the advancement in technology and introduction of social media. Beale and Hall (2007) pinpoint that school administration should implement “a comprehensive prevention plan” which involves counsellors and students and teaches ethics of Internet use. Moreover, schools should create an environment in which students feel free to confide in and report any online harassment to adults (Beale and Hall, 2007). However, the school administration is unable to guard the students always as cyberbullying may occur anytime, anywhere when the victims are alone. One way to overweigh the limitation is to make “cyberbullying-proof immunity” in students in advance.
Another way to solve the problem could be monitoring of Internet usage by parents. Students tend to lie that they are utilizing the Internet to do their homework, but in fact, they are often engaging in cyberbullying as a predator or as a victim, or mostly as a bystander. Beale and Hall (2007) highlight that parents can make an agreement with children including which networks they can use, how much time they can spend and what to do when they receive a bullying message. Nevertheless, some parents lack in technical skills of Internet use and there is a large gap between the knowledge of children and their parents which result in inefficient control over the children. If parents could educate themselves on the usage of Internet, they could successfully prevent cyberbullying of their children.
The effective approach towards cyberbullying can be regulation of social websites by the government. In collaboration with social service providers, the government can identify privately kept cyberbullying incidents and inform the responsible adults on time. However, it is often difficult to distinguish the predator as social networks prioritize customer privacy. In fact, the government can legislate against online harassment and force the administration of social media to assist in preventing disastrous outcomes of cyberbullying. According to the cyberbullying legislation in the US, most forms of online bullying are formalized as a crime (Hinduja and Patchin, 2015). Was the government to control the content of networks, would the predators be afraid to harass.
In short, cyberbullying is indeed demanding issue. Nonetheless, the cooperation of the schools, parents and government can save the lives of many teenagers. If these three figures unite, they can become a great force to combat the online harassment. Each individual should understand that everyone has right to keep their “dark” side to themselves as no one is perfect. With more compassion towards each other, the world would be a better place to live.
References
Beale, A., and Hall, K. (2007). Cyberbullying: What School Administrators (And Parents) Can Do. The Clearing House, 81(1), 8-12. Available from http://www.jstor.org/stable/30189945 [Accessed 23 October 2016].
Hinduja, S., and Patchin J. W. (2015). Cyberbullying legislation and case law: Implications for school policy and practice. Available from http://cyberbullying.org/cyberbullying-legal-issues.pdf [Accessed 24 October 2016].
Problem Solution Essay Five:
Cyberbullying among teenagers
Legend:
Idea Development Academic Style Grammatical Accuracy Lexical Appropriacy Source Use Macrostructure Spelling Accuracy Punctuation Accuracy
The society of the XXIIssue No. 1: The number should be spelled out in words rather than digits. century has becomeIssue No. 2: The present continuous tense needs to be used in order to show that the action is still in progress.
Click here for Tense issue “wired”Issue No. 3: A more appropriate academic phrase increasingly interconnected should be used instead of “wired.”. Several decades agoIssue No. 4: A comma needs to be used after the introductory phrase at the beginning of the sentence.
Click here for Comma issue news could be received only through newspapers, television or radio. TodayIssue No. 5: A comma needs to be used after the introductory phrase at the beginning of the sentence.
Click here for Comma issue social networks and instant messaging applications have become the fastest and the largest source of news for many of us. However, this easy access to InternetIssue No. 6: The definite article the needs to be used before the word Internet.
Click here for Definite Article issue
Issue No. 7: The word Internet needs to be capitalised. has enabled the spread of online harassment or cyberbullying. Cyberbullying is bullying online using electronic devices like cellphones,Issue No. 8: The conjunction or needs to be used between the two items in a list instead of a comma. computers. The distinguishing point is that teens are mainly targeted for cyberbullying. The consequences of being harassed online may be withdrawal from school, low self-esteem, mood shifts, anxiety, andIssue No. 9: The subject pronoun it needs to be used after the conjunction and in this sentence. even mightIssue No. 10: The word order needs to be changed in this sentence. result in suicide (Beale and Hall, 2010Issue No. 11: The year of publication in text does not match with the year of publication in the References.
Click here for In-text Citations issue ). To combat cyberbullying, schools should run workshops both for school children and teachers, parents should be more aware of the cyberbullying effectsIssue No. 12: The word order needs to be changed in this sentence. and control InternetIssue No. 13: The definite article the needs to be used before the word Internet.
Click here for Definite Article issue
Issue No. 14: The word Internet needs to be capitalised. use of their offspring, and social networks should be regulated by the government.
The first solution to overcomeIssue No. 15: The -ing form of the verb is needed in this sentence. the challengeIssue No. 16: The claim needs to be made more precise and clear. canIssue No. 17: A more appropriate modal verb might needs to be used in this sentence.
Click here for Hedging issue be thatIssue No. 18: The definite article the needs to be used instead of that in this sentence.
Click here for Definite Article issue organization of various workshops to educate theIssue No. 20: No definite article the should be used before a plural noun phrase in this sentence.
Click here for Definite Article issue youngstersIssue No. 19: A more appropriate for academic writing noun phrase young people needs to be used. about consequencesIssue No. 21: The definite article the needs to be used before the noun phrase consequences of cyberbullying.
Click here for Definite Article issue of cyberbullying. According to theIssue No. 22: The indefinite article a needs to be used before a singular noun survey in this sentence.
Click here for Indefinite Article issue survey conducted in the US, “74 percent of studentsIssue No. 23: This does not seem to be a direct quotation; therefore, no quotation marks should be used here.
Click here for In-text Citations issue” reported being bullied at school (Beale and Hall, 2007, p8Issue No. 24: The full stop is needed after p when indicating a page number of a particular source.
Click here for In-text Citations issue). The issue has worsened due to the advancement in technology and introductionIssue No. 25: The definite article the needs to be used before the noun phrase introduction of social media.
Click here for Definite Article issue of social media. Beale and Hall (2007) pinpoint that school administrationIssue No. 26: The plural form of the noun administrations should be used because the writer is talking about more than one administration in this sentence. should implement “a comprehensive prevention plan” which involves counsellorsIssue No. 27: The word both needs to be added before counsellors in this sentence. and students and teaches ethics of Internet useIssue No. 28: The definite article the needs to be used before the noun phrase ethics of Internet use.
Click here for Definite Article issue. Moreover, schools should create an environment in which students feel free to confide in and report any online harassment to adults (Beale and Hall, 2007). However, theIssue No. 29: No definite article the should be used before a plural noun phrase in this sentence.
Click here for Definite Article issue
Issue No. 30: The plural form of the noun administrations should be used because the writer is talking about more than one administration in this sentence. school administration isIssue No. 31: The plural form of the verb to be needs to be used in this sentence in order to establish subject-verb agreement. unable to guard the students alwaysIssue No. 32: The word order needs to be revised in this sentence.
Issue No. 33: A more appropriate noun safeguard needs to be used instead of guard.
Issue No. 34: No definite article the should be used before a plural noun phrase in this sentence. as cyberbullying may occur anytime, anywhereIssue No. 35: The conjunction and needs to be used instead of the comma between the two items in a list. when the victims are aloneIssue No. 36: The phrase when the victims are alone is redundant in this sentence.
Click here for Redundancy issue. One way to overweighIssue No. 37: A more appropriate verb counteract needs to be used instead of the verb overweigh in this sentence. theIssue No. 38: The singular form of the determiner pronoun this needs to be used before the noun limitation in this sentence. limitation is to makeIssue No. 39: A more appropriate verb engender needs to be used instead of the verb make in this sentence. “cyberbullying-proofIssue No. 40: The word proof is redundant in this sentence.
Click here for Redundancy issue immunity” in students in advanceIssue No. 41: A more appropriate phrase outside the classroom should be used in this sentence. .
Another way to solve the problemIssue No. 42: The claim needs to be made more precise and clear. could be monitoring of Internet usageIssue No. 43: The definite article the needs to be used before the phrase monitoring of Internet usage.
Click here for Definite Article issue by parents. Students tend to lie that they are utilizing the Internet to do their homework, but in fact, they are often engagingIssue No. 44: The passive form of the verb involved needs to be used in this sentence. in cyberbullying as a predator or as a victim, or mostly as a bystander. Beale and Hall (2007) highlight Issue No. 45: The phrase the fact that needs to be used after the reporting verb highlight in this sentence.that parents can make anIssue No. 47: No indefinite article an needs to be used before the plural noun agreements in this sentence. agreementIssue No. 46: The plural form of the noun agreements should be used in this sentence. with children including which networks they can use, how much time they can spend and what to do whenIssue No. 48: The expression if should be used instead of when in this sentence. they receive a bullying messagesIssue No. 50: The plural form of the noun phrase bullying messages needs to be used in this sentence. . NeverthelessIssue No. 51: The conjunction However needs to be used in this sentence., some parents lack in technical skills of Internet useIssue No. 52: The phrase to do this needs to be used instead of the phrase of Internet use in this sentence. and there isIssue No. 53: The claim need to be mitigated by using a hedging expression sometimes in this sentence.
Click here for Hedging issue a largeIssue No. 54: The adjective large is redundant in this sentence.
Click here for Redundancy issue gap between the knowledge of children and their parentsIssue No. 55: The claim needs to be made more precise and clear.
Issue No. 56: The added phrase with regards to Internet usage needs to be set off by commas.
Click here for Comma issue which result in inefficient control over the children. If parents could educate themselves on the usage of Internet, they could successfullyIssue No. 57: The claim needs to be mitigated by using the phrase more before the adjective successfully in this sentence.
Click here for Hedging issue prevent cyberbullying of their childrenIssue No. 58: The structure of the sentence needs to be revised to make it more clear and precise..
The effective approach towards cyberbullying canIssue No. 59: The modal verb might should be used instead of can to mitigate the claim.
Click here for Hedging issue be regulation of social websites by the government. In collaboration with social serviceIssue No. 60: A more appropriate word network should be used as part of a set phrase social network. providers, the governmentIssue No. 61: The plural form of the noun governments should be used in this sentence. can identify privately kept cyberbullying incidents and inform the responsible adults on timeIssue No. 62: The phrase on time is redundant in this sentence.
Click here for Redundancy issue. However, it is often difficult to distinguish the predator as social networks prioritize customer privacy. In factIssue No. 63: The expression That said should be used instead of In fact in this sentence. , theIssue No. 64: No definite article the should be used before a plural noun phrase in this sentence. governmentIssue No. 65: The plural form of the noun governments should be used in this sentence. can legislate against online harassment and force the administration of social media to assist in preventing disastrous outcomes of cyberbullying. According to the cyberbullying legislation in the US, most forms of online bullying are formalized as a crime (Hinduja and Patchin, 2015). WasIssue No. 66: The plural form of the verb to be needs to be used in this sentence in order to establish subject-verb agreement. theIssue No. 67: No definite article the should be used before a plural noun phrase in this sentence.
Click here for Definite Article issue governmentIssue No. 68: The plural form of the noun governments should be used in this sentence. to control the content of networks, would the predators be afraidIssue No. 69: The modal verb and its position in the sentence need to be changed. to harass.
In short, cyberbullying is indeed demanding issueIssue No. 70: The indefinite article a needs to be used before a singular noun phrase complex issue.
Click here for Indefinite Article issue
Issue No. 71: A more appropriate adjective complex should be used instead of demanding.. Nonetheless, the cooperation of theIssue No. 72: No definite article the should be used before a plural noun phrase in this sentence.
Click here for Definite Article issue schools, parents and governmentIssue No. 73: The plural form of the noun governments should be used in this sentence. canIssue No. 74: A more appropriate modal verb may needs to be used in this sentence.
Click here for Hedging issue save the lives of many teenagers. If these three figuresIssue No. 75: A more appropriate noun groups is needed in this sentence. unite, they can become a great force to combat the online harassment. Each individual should understand that everyone has right to keep their “dark” side to themselves as no one is perfect. With more compassionIssue No. 76: The contrasting conjunction However needs to be used at the beginning of the sentence.
Issue No. 77: A comma needs to be used after the introductory phrase at the beginning of the sentence.
Issue No. 78:
The lower case letter w is needed in the word with because it is no longer the first word in the sentence. towards each other, the world would be a better place to live.
ReferencesIssue No. 79: The following issues with referencing have been identified in this essay: 1. More than two academic sources should have been cited by the writer and included in the References because three possible solutions have been proposed by the writer. At least one source should have been cited to back each of the three claims. However, only two sources are included in the References in this essay. 2. The referencing details given in text should match with the details in the References. In this essay, the year of publication of the source by Beale and Hall is 2007 in the References but 2010 when cited in the first paragraph of the essay. 3.There is lack of consistency in the capitalisation of the words in the titles of the articles. For example, in the source by Beale and Hall (2007) all words in the title of the article are capitalised; however, in the source by Hinduja and Patchin (2015), only the first word in the title and the word following the colon are capitalised. In addition, the last name of every author should be followed by the comma before the first name initials. No comma is used after Patchin in the second source in the References. 4. A hanging indentation need to be used in each reference entry, i.e., every line after the first line should be moved a few spaces to the right.
Beale, A., and Hall, K. (2007). Cyberbullying: What School Administrators (And Parents) Can Do. The Clearing House, 81(1), 8-12. Available from http://www.jstor.org/stable/30189945 [Accessed 23 October 2016].
Hinduja, S., and Patchin J. W. (2015). Cyberbullying legislation and case law: Implications for school policy and practice. Available from http://cyberbullying.org/cyberbullying-legal-issues.pdf [Accessed 24 October 2016].
Activities:
Question 1:
In which paragraph does the writer define the key concept of this essay?A: Paragraph 1Correct: After giving some background to the topic, the writer clearly defines cyberbullying as “bullying online using electronic devices like cellphones, or computers.”
B: Paragraph 2Incorrect: No definitions of key concepts are given in this paragraph. The main purpose of this paragraph is to elaborate on one of the solutions to the problem of cyberbullying. As regards the definition of the key concept, the writer clearly defines cyberbullying in Paragraph 1: bullying online using electronic devices like cellphones, or computers.
C: Paragraph 5Incorrect: This is a concluding paragraph of the essay which highlights the significance of the problem of cyberbullying and summarises the main solutions to this problem presented in the essay.
Question 2:
Which sentence expresses the main idea of the whole essay?
A: Paragraph 2The consequences of being harassed online may be withdrawal from school, low self-esteem, mood shifts, anxiety, and it might even result in suicide (Beale and Hall, 2010).
B: Paragraph 3Incorrect: This sentence expresses the main idea of only one paragraph, i.e., Paragraph 4, rather than give the main idea of the whole essay.
C: Paragraph 4Correct: This is the thesis statement that expresses the main idea of the essay by outlining the three solutions to the problem of cyberbullying.
Question 3:
At the beginning of which paragraph the writer could have used a more explicit signposting expression?
A: Paragraph 2Incorrect: The signposting expression The first solution to…has been used by the writer at the beginning of the paragraph to clearly indicate one of the suggested solutions to the problem of cyberbullying.
B: Paragraph 3Incorrect: The signposting expression Another way to solve the problem of…has been used by the writer at the beginning of the paragraph to clearly indicate one of the suggested solutions to the problem of cyberbullying.
C: Paragraph 4Correct: This paragraph needs a more explicit signposting expression to be used in the topic sentence.
Question 4:
Where in the essay has one of the sources been used inaccurately?
A: Paragraph 1Correct: The year of publication of the source by Beale and Hall does not agree with the year of publication given in the References at the end of the essay. It says 2010 in paragraph 1, but 2007 in the References and throughout the essay.
B: Paragraph 2Incorrect: The source by Beale and Hall (2007) has been cited accurately in Paragraph 2. However, the source seems to have been overused and should have been supplemented by evidence from some other research.
C: Paragraph 3Incorrect: One source has been cited in this paragraph, and it has been cited accurately.