1. The essay has a clear structure- it consists of an introduction, main body paragraphs and a conclusion.
2. Signposting language has been used effectively to make it clear to the reader how the main points in the essay connect and develop the main argument.
3. The citations introduced in the main body paragraphs of the essay have been used skilfully and accurately.
4. The language used by the writer is overall accurate and clear.
1. The thesis statement is incomplete and needs to be revised. It contains only the two main points developed in the first two body paragraphs. The third main point covered in the third body paragraph is not mentioned in the thesis.
2. The second body paragraph is underdeveloped, i.e., consists of two sentences only, which is not acceptable in academic writing, and uses no evidence from the research to support and/or challenge the argument.
3. A number of claims made in the essay need to be mitigated/hedged to avoid overcertainty.
4. Several claims made by the writer are imprecise, unclear and even unrealistic. For example, it is important to clearly state which specific country and which specific time period is being referred to. When using evidence from other research, it is important to report the data accurately without misinterpretation.
According to the National Student Clearinghouse Research Center (2016), the amount of students enrolled at universities immediately after graduating from high school in 2016 is 1.7% lower than the previous year. It is quite common these days for young people in many countries to not enter university and have time-out from studying after graduating from high school. One reason for such interruptions is that graduates cannot afford to pay the university tuition fees. However, even if school graduates have financial problems, they should go to university immediately after graduating, because a university diploma provides better work opportunities, and it will prevent the student from having to restudy school knowledge in order to enter university.
First, graduating from university and getting diploma can provide job opportunities with a higher salary, making it easier to solve financial problems. In many cases high school graduates who have problems with finances decide to work, but this work is not always constant and well-paid. However, by studying at university, students have a chance to be a disciple of professionals in their subject and a chance to gain new knowledge from books, which teaches students to think, explore new ideas, getting experience and a chance for self-development; eventually leading to career growth and well-paid job. For instance, Council of Ontario Universities(2015) reports that the percentage of university graduates in 2015 getting jobs which require skills acquired at university is 86%. Therefore, high school graduates should go to university immediately, because it will help solve their financial problems.
Another reason for applying to university in the first fall after high school is time efficiency. If an individual decides to take some time-out between his studies, the knowledge acquired at school will be forgotten over time and the person will have to refresh his memory in order to continue his studies. Thus, the student will save time and money.
It is true that every year the tuition fee increases and this may be the biggest expense in human lifetime. For this reason, some school graduates may believe that it will be difficult to pay for university studies, without sufficient financial resources. However, there are different financial aid options, for example students can out a bank loan in order to pay for tuition. Moreover, there are companies that will pay the for a student’s education, and after graduation the student should work for them during a certain period. There is also a merit scholarships are awarded to students who win in academic or sporting events. According to National Student Clearinghouse Research Center (2016), in 2015-2016 academic years the percentage of students who were awarded to merit scholarships was 98%. Therefore, such agreements will provide less expensive ways to pursue higher education and a job upon graduation for low income high school graduates.
To conclude, the reason that high school graduates with low income should enter university to provide opportunities for future life. If graduates with low income enter university immediately after graduating from high school, it will be help to raise their living standards in the future. Lack of money should not be a cause for the disregard of talented and capable people.
References
1.Council of Ontario Universities (2015). University Works. Available from http://cou.on.ca/wp-content/uploads/2015/06/COU-University-Works-Report-2015.pdf [Accessed 2 November 2016].
2.National Student Clearinghouse Research Center (2016). High School Benchmarks 2015-2016: National College Progression Rates. Available from https://nscresearchcenter.org/category/reports/hs-benchmarks/ [Accessed 2 November 2016].
According to the National Student Clearinghouse Research Center (2016)Issue No. 1: It needs to be made clear which particular country is being referred to in the quotation., the amount of students enrolled at universities immediately after graduating from high school in 2016 isIssue No. 2: The past tense of the verb to be needs to be used instead of the present tense.
Click here for Tense issue 1.7% lower than the previous year. It is quite common these daysIssue No. 3: A more academic expression at the present time needs to be used instead of these days. for young people in many countries to notIssue No. 4: The word order needs to be changed by putting the negation before the to + infinitive. enter university and have time-outIssue No. 5: A more appropriate and academic word break needs to be used.
Issue No. 6: An indefinite article a needs to be used before the noun phrase.
Click here for Indefinite Article issue from studying after graduating from high school. One reason for such interruptions is that graduates cannot afford to pay the university tuition fees.Issue No. 7: The thesis statement is incomplete and needs to include the main point of the third body paragraph. However, even if school graduates have financial problems, they should go to university immediately after graduating, Issue No. 8: A comma is not needed to be used before the conjunction because.
Click here for Comma issuebecause a university diploma provides better work opportunities, Issue No. 9: A comma is not needed to be used before the conjunction and in this sentence.
Click here for Comma issueand itIssue No. 10: The pronoun it is not needed because both verbs (provide and will prevent) refer to the same subject (university diploma) given earlier in the sentence. will prevent theIssue No. 11: No definite article the is needed before the noun students in this sentence.
Click here for Definite Article issue studentIssue No. 12: The plural form students needs to be used instead of the singular form student in this sentence because the plural noun graduates was used in the same sentence to refer to the same group of people. from having to restudyIssue No. 13: A more contextually appropriate word revise needs to be used in this sentence. school knowledge in order to enter university.
First, graduating from university and getting diplomaIssue No. 14: The indefinite article a is needed in the phrase getting a diploma.
Click here for Indefinite Article issue can provide job opportunities with a higher salary, Issue No. 15: A comma is not needed before a dependent clause in a complex sentence.
Click here for Comma issuemaking it easier to solve financial problems. In many casesIssue No. 16: A comma is needed after an introductory phrase at the beginning of the sentence.
Click here for Comma issue high school graduates who have problems with finances decide to work, but this work is not always constant and well-paid. However, by studying at university, students have a chance to be a disciple ofIssue No. 17: A more contextually appropriate phrase to learn from needs to be used instead of the phrase to be a disciple of because the latter has a religious connotation.. professionals in their subject and a chanceIssue No. 18: The noun phrase a chance needs to deleted to avoid repetition. to gain new knowledge from books, Issue No. 19: A comma is not needed before which is a defining relative clause.
Click here for Comma issuewhich teachesIssue No. 20: The plural form of the verb teaches is needed. students to think, explore new ideas, gettingIssue No. 21: The verb form getting needs to be replaced with get in order to achieve parallel sentence structure. experience and a chanceIssue No. 22: The noun opportunity needs to be used instead of a less academic noun chance.
Issue No. 23: The verb have and the article the need to be used in the phrase have the opportunity in order to achieve parallel sentence structure. for self-development; eventuallyIssue No. 24: The run-on sentence needs to be revised by dividing it into two shorter and clearer sentences.
Click here for Run-on Sentence issue
Issue No. 25: The claim needs to be mitigated by using a hedging expression may.
Click here for Hedging issue leadingIssue No. 26: The verb form leading needs to be replaced with a more appropriate form lead because the modal verb needs to be followed by the infinite without to. to career growth and well-paid jobIssue No. 27: The indefinite article a is needed in the adjective+ singular noun phrase.
Click here for Indefinite Article issue. For instance, CouncilIssue No. 28: The definite article the is needed before the name of an organisation.
Click here for Definite Article issue of Ontario Universities(2015) reports that the percentage of university graduates in 2015 getting jobs which require skills acquired at university isIssue No. 29: The present tense of the auxiliary verb to be needs to be replaced with the past tense because the reference is made to a specific time in the past.
Click here for Tense issue 86%. Therefore, high school graduates should go to university immediately, Issue No. 30: A comma is not needed to be used before the conjunction because.
Click here for Comma issuebecause it will help solve their financial problems.Issue No. 31: The second body paragraph needs to be expanded by including some research-based evidence and examples.
Click here for Evidence issue
Another reason for applying to university in the first fallIssue No. 32: The use of redundant expressions needs to be avoided in academic writing. It is obvious that the academic year begins in fall (autumn).
Click here for Redundancy issue after high school is time efficiency. If an individual decides to take some time-out between hisIssue No. 33: The gender-neutral pronoun their or the phrase his or her need to be used instead of a gender specific pronoun his.
Click here for Gendered Language issue studies, the knowledge acquired at school willIssue No. 34: The claim needs to be mitigated by using a hedging expression may instead of will.
Click here for Hedging issue be forgotten over time andIssue No. 35: A comma is needed before the conjunction and to connect two independent clauses in a compound sentence.
Click here for Comma issue the person willIssue No. 36: The claim needs to be mitigated by using a hedging expression may instead of will.
Click here for Hedging issue have to refresh hisIssue No. 37: The gender-neutral pronoun their or the phrase his or her need to be used instead of a gender specific pronoun his.
Click here for Gendered Language issue memory in order to continue hisIssue No. 38: The gender-neutral pronoun their or the phrase his or her need to be used instead of a gender specific pronoun his.
Click here for Gendered Language issue studies. Thus, the student will save time and moneyIssue No. 39: The sentence is incomplete and needs to be continued.
Issue No. 40: The claim needs to be substantiated by using research-based evidence in the form of citation.
Click here for Evidence issue
Issue No. 41: It needs to be made clearer since what time the tuition fees have been increasing..
It is true thatIssue No. 42: The use of redundant expressions needs to be avoided in academic writing.
Click here for Redundancy issue every year the tuition feeIssue No. 43: The plural form of the noun fees needs to be used in this sentence. increasesIssue No. 44: The plural form of the verb increase needs to be used for subject-verb agreement. and thisIssue No. 45: The sentence structure needs to be revised by using a relative clause instead. may be the biggest expense in human lifetimeIssue No. 46: The expression human lifetime needs to be replaced with a more contextually appropriate expression someone’s life.. For this reason, some school graduates may believe that it will beIssue No. 47: The present tense of the verb to be needs to be used instead of the future tense.
Click here for Tense issue difficult to pay for university studies, withoutIssue No. 48: A comma is not needed to be used before a dependent clause in a complex sentence.
Click here for Comma issue sufficient financial resources.Issue No. 49: The claim needs to be substantiated by using research-based evidence in the form of citation.
Click here for Evidence issue However, there are different financial aid options, for exampleIssue No. 50: The linking phrase for example needs to be preceded by a semicolon and followed by a comma.
Click here for Comma issue students can outIssue No. 51: The verb take needs to be added before the preposition out in the sentence. a bank loan in order to pay for tuition feesIssue No. 52: The pronoun their needs to be added in order to make it clear whose tuition fees are meant in the sentence.. Moreover, there are companies that willIssue No. 53: The present tense of the verb pay needs to be used instead of the future tense.
Click here for Tense issue pay theIssue No. 54: The definite article the is not needed.
Click here for Definite Article issue for a student’s education, and after graduationIssue No. 55: The interrupter phrase after graduation needs to be set off with commas.
Click here for Comma issue the student shouldIssue No. 56: The verb must, which carries more strengths and obligation, needs to be used instead of should in this context. work for them duringIssue No. 57: The preposition during needs to be replaced by the preposition for in this sentence. a certain period. There isIssue No. 58: The plural form of the verb to be needs to be used instead of the singular form in order to achieve subject-verb agreement. also aIssue No. 59: No indefinite article a is needed before the plural noun phrase.
Click here for Indefinite Article issue merit scholarships areIssue No. 60: The verb to be is not needed before the main verb awarded because it has already been used in There are construction at the beginning of the sentence. awarded to students who win inIssue No. 61: No preposition is needed after the verb win in this sentence. academic or sporting events. According to NationalIssue No. 62: The definite article the is needed before the name of an organisation.
Click here for Definite Article issue Student Clearinghouse Research Center (2016), in 2015-2016Issue No. 63: The definite article the needs to be used before a specific academic year.
Click here for Definite Article issue academic yearsIssue No. 64: The singular form of the noun year needs to be used instead of the plural form because the writer makes a reference to one particular year.
Issue No. 65: A comma needs to be added after the interrupter phrase in this sentence.
Click here for Comma issue the percentage of students who were awarded toIssue No. 66: No preposition is needed in the phrase were awarded merit scholarships. merit scholarships was 98%.Issue No. 67: The claim needs to be made clearer by referring to a specific country.
Issue No. 68: The claim does not sound like true. The accuracy of the statement needs to be verified. Therefore, such agreementsIssue No. 69: A more contextually appropriate noun arrangements needs to be used instead of agreements. will provide less expensive ways to pursue higher education and a job upon graduation for low income high school graduates.
To conclude, the reason that high school graduates with low income should enter university to provideIssue No. 70: The auxiliary verb to be needs to be added in this sentence. opportunities for future lifeIssue No. 71: The pronoun their needs to be added in order to make it clear whose future life is meant in the sentence.. If graduates with low income enter university immediately after graduating from high school, it willIssue No. 72: The claim needs to be mitigated by using a hedging expression may instead of will.
Click here for Hedging issue beIssue No. 73: The verb be is not needed in this sentence. help to raise their living standards in the future. Lack of money should not be a cause for the disregard of talented and capable people.
References:Issue No. 74: On the whole, the writer used up-to-date sources in the essay (published within the last five years) and arranged the references alphabetically. However, a number of issues with the use of sources have been identified in this essay: 1. The sources should not be numbered. 2. A hanging indentation should be used, i.e., every line after the first line should be moved a few spaces to the right. 3. More academic sources from books and academic journals need to be included in order to make the writer’s arguments stronger and nore convincing.
1.Council of Ontario Universities (2015). University Works. Available from http://cou.on.ca/wp-content/uploads/2015/06/COU-University-Works-Report-2015.pdf [Accessed 2 November 2016].
2.National Student Clearinghouse Research Center (2016). High School Benchmarks 2015-2016: National College Progression Rates. Available from https://nscresearchcenter.org/category/reports/hs-benchmarks/ [Accessed 2 November 2016].
Question 1:
Identify the main problem with the thesis statement, the sentence that states the main idea of the essay.
A: Not all main points of the essay mentioned in the thesis statementCorrect: Only the first two main points, i.e., job opportunities and time efficiency, have been included. The third main point, i.e., availability of financial aid options, is missing and needs to be added.
B: The thesis statement does not include any research-based evidenceIncorrect: The thesis statement is not supposed to include evidence from the research because its main purpose is to briefly outline the main points of the essay. All research-based evidence and examples usually appear in the main part of the essay.
C: The thesis statement is too long and complexIncorrect: It is acceptable to have complex sentences in academic writing as long as they are clear and accurate.
Question 2:
How can the third essay paragraph be revised and made more effective?
A: By using more evidence and examples from the researchCorrect: The main problem with this paragraph is that it is missing strong supporting evidence from other sources. The claims made by the writer need to be backed up with some evidence from the literature.
B: By constructing a clear topic sentence, sentence that expresses the main idea of the paragraphIncorrect: This paragraph already contains a topic sentence, i.e., the first sentence of the paragraph.
C: By including a clear summary sentence at the end of the paragraphIncorrect: This paragraph finishes with a clear summary statement, which restates the main idea expressed in the topic sentence.
Question 3:
Which paragraph contains instances of gender-specific language, i.e., a word or expression that refers to one gender only?
A: Paragraph 2Incorrect: This paragraph contains no examples of gender-specific language.
B: Paragraph 3Correct: This paragraph has several examples of gender-specific language that refers to male gender, e.g., his studies, and his memory. This should be avoided in academic writing to avoid bias toward a particular gender.
C: Paragraph 4Incorrect: This paragraph contains no examples of gender-specific language.
Question 4:
What is the common problem with the use of citations in the first and in the fourth essay paragraphs?
A: Both citations begin with According to…Incorrect: It is acceptable in academic writing to begin the citation with According to.
B: Both citations come from the same sourceIncorrect: It is acceptable to use the same source more than once in the essay.
C: Both citations contain imprecise and not entirely clear evidenceCorrect: It is important to make clear and precise claims in academic writing. For example, both citations are missing the information about the specific country that is being referred to.
